Working it out~

*This is long and mostly for the benefit of journaling. You are welcome to read on but don't say I didn't warn you! :D

So I'm experiencing quiet. It's 9:28 on a Monday morning in July and there is not a sound coming from any room in this house. No worries. Our girls are going to a camp for children at our church this week from 9~3 each day. They are stoked. I must say that I'm pretty excited too. Happy that they will have a great time and soak up some good fun as well as Bible study. And, it's nice to be alone sometimes and just get things done that need to get done. Ya know?

I didn't plan to come upstairs and stare at my Mac for a half hour. I have laundry that needs to be started and breakfast dishes that need to be loaded, among other things. But I've just got a few things on my heart today that I wanted to put down before this time of quiet escaped me.

As a mom, I'm only somewhat seasoned. Not an expert by any means. I haven't parented a teenager yet! But my children aren't toddlers either. I've been a mom for 9 years...not a ton of experience but I'll take it. I feel pretty comfortable in my role as mama to two, wonderful biological daughters. {I don't usually make the distinction between bio and adopted...but hang with me.} We started out on this road to adoption very green. No clue how the process really worked. I don't even think I knew what a home study was two years ago. I have a cousin who has adopted two daughters from China...but she lives in TX and we have never sat and talked about it. So here we were completely unexperienced and jumping in with both feet to a process that is long and hard. It was uncomfortable to me to have so many unknowns. Of course, that's what faith is. And we live by faith, not by sight. Still, very hard for me. But maybe you see my point.

As of today, I feel like I've got a pretty good grasp on this process though. At least the Thailand process. I think I understand how it all works even if I can't make sense of the timing of it all, I do understand the steps now. I look back over the last two years and I'm amazed at how far we've come. I remember my heart pounding in my chest as I sat in bed and asked Jase if we could just pray about adopting..."...just a year. Can we pray for a year and just see what happens?", and then to choose an agency and begin a home study and on and on. And now this "process" has become the normal for our family. It's like a stack of bricks on my chest most days, heavy and cumbersome. And ever present. But it's normal. I'm comfortable with it now. I think we all are. Even the girls, and our families.

But the normal is about to change. We are going to trade this normal for a new one. The process, as we know it, is thankfully close to ending. And in it's stead comes a little boy. A son. A gorgeous dark haired, brown eyed, olive skinned son for us to parent and teach and love and serve. And I'm a bit intimidated! I've never been mama to a son. I've never even been in the same room with him. But already, he's ours. I can't hardly explain it. Nothing I think to type does it justice.

Jase and I were driving to meet my parents for dinner {a FABULOUS dinner I might add} Saturday night and were talking through some of this. I was telling him how it intrigued me to see how differently families deal with what we are going through. Some try to remain somewhat detached from the process, wanting to not let their adoption become the center of their lives. I can understand that. Others just go with the ebb and flow of things...when something good happens with their adoption, they are excited and then the excitement kind of wains and they go on with life until the next hurdle is cleared. I totally get that approach too. And then there are those of us who are consumed in a way with their adoption. We think about it all the time. Talk about it all the time. Even go so far as to wear their child's picture around their neck because it makes them feel better about all of this waiting.

I don't think any approach is right or wrong. Some may be harder or easier than others. But I've heard it said that we can't really love Joel yet because we don't know him yet. Sure, we can love the idea of him and can set our heart's affection toward him because he will be our son. We can make a decision to love him when he's here and have already made a lifelong commitment to him. And I've tried to take that in. But I just don't think it's possible for me. I don't feel that the people who approach adoption in their family in this way are wrong. I don't think my approach is right. I just don't think it's how I'm wired. To be honest, it would be easier some days if I were.

I love him. I don't know him and I love him. At this point, I've been pregnant with Joel nearly twice as long as I was with either of our girls! And talking all of this out with Jase the other night, gave me such peace and assurance. He told me that he couldn't not love him yet either. He reminded me how we felt when I was expecting the girls. We did love them. We had never met them or touched them. But we'd have done anything for them. And even now, we feel that for Joel. I mean, he could be a tyrant! He could have a personality that is hostile and be hard to parent. He could not love us despite our love for him. But you know, Kennedy and Sydney could have been the same way. No one knows. No one ever knows. Biological or adopted. It's a wait and see kinda deal for all of us. So why worry over it? It is what it is already. And God has got all of that worked out. One way or the other.

Jase also said that he can't help being excited about it and that he thinks it's okay that it has become the center of our lives {not over God or our marriage, etc.}. He again likened it to when I was expecting the girls and how you think about them all the time or you don't plan things that could interfere with the pregnancy. Or you get to be 8 months along and wonder if your water will break at the grocery store! You're always one thought away from it. What expectant mother, even at 10 weeks pregnant, doesn't think about her baby a thousand times a day? I believe it's the same with our adoption. It is central in so many ways right now. But really, it has been for a long time. We had been hoping for that letter to come for four months and I had jumped when my Blackberry sounded with an email. We've been expectant!

The fact that we sat in our bedroom yesterday afternoon and looked at flights , and dates and hotels and on and on just reminds us that this process is almost over. God has been faithful and we can almost see the end of this road. Just a little more to go. We're more excited now than ever! Our son is coming home! There will likely be hard days and difficult seasons to come. But we are resolved. Often, it's in those uncomfortable times that God grows us to be more like His Son. It's our prayer that we will represent Him well, both in the wait and when Joel is home.

Thank you all for your prayers and encouragement.

We love you~