the day before

So all week I was dreading Gabe's cath on Friday. I have no idea if it was because of all we went through with Seth or because people we've never met were going to insert a device into his heart or if I'm just a total weenie. It quite possibly a combination of all three and more.

I tried to push it out of my mind but it was futile of course. And though I knew that of all heart problems you want to have, a PDA was absolutely the one to have. It's not even a defect. Not one that you're born with anyway. Not like the countless others or the five that Seth had. The PDA is just a little flap thing that is supposed to close at birth or soon after. We've all got one. And the vast majority of ours closed. So it's not a defect. It's just a thing that didn't do what it was supposed to.

His just didn't.

And so we were faced with a heart cath for our sweet little prince. A safe, effective, cure giving heart cath.

But the day before, those things were hard to see for this mama. I teared up once on the phone with mom. And then right before dinner, had the urge to take Gabe outside and snap a million pictures. I know that sounds so dismal. Like I thought he was going to die or something.

The thought had crossed my mind a few times.

A few times...times a thousand. 

I just kept telling Jase that I wanted Gabe to stay with us. Of course. But he reminded me that this must be done. And that it's safe. That it's needed. That it will be okay.

And that it's what we brought him home to do.

It just didn't feel good. Even a little 'ole cath was breaking my heart.

So we went out for five minutes with my camera. I didn't change him into something cute or wipe a few smudges of chocolate off his lips or even reapply lotion to his wintery dry skin. I just took him to the front yard, sat him down and lay in the grass snapping away.

I love the top of his head. I don't know why. It's weird, I'm aware. But I can't help it. The top of his head is so stinkin cute to me. I have one shot of it from Gotcha day. This image is so cool to me because you see Jase signing the paperwork that let us take him with us. It would be the next day before we signed our names and placed our fingerprints on them to officially adopt Gabe. But this shot has the sweet top of his head as Jase completes what's necessary to leave with him.

And here is his little head on heart cath eve. Four months to the day later from when I shot the first one. Quite a change, huh?

It was a task. I've found, it always is photographing Gabe. He's a mover and a shaker. Literally. And when you shoot kids, you need to be on their level. Being on Gabe's level ensures that he's gonna move toward your lap...AKA - his favorite spot to be.

So he kept crawling toward me. And after some lovin', I'd keep moving back.

It's really, REALLY rare to get catchlights in Gabe's eyes. Really rare! His eyes are sooo dark, and pretty tiny. But there they are!  Love this shot of our sweet boy.

My favorite...a true smile and still some sliver of catchlight. Beautiful boy.

After dinner, I bathed him really well as directed. :) And dressed him in footed jammies and let him fall asleep on my chest in our bedroom while Jase popped us some corn. Only I couldn't put him down. I couldn't lay him in his crib. Because I just couldn't let him go.

Jase came in to check on me because I never came out to eat my popcorn. He rubbed my hair and my face in the dark and whispered, "Are you okay?" Up to that point, my silent tears had just been falling, as I kissed my little prince's sweet face while he slept soundly on me. But with Jase there, they gave way to sobs and continued prayers and heart ache for our baby.

Eventually, after a few hours, I lay him down. And fell apart again at his crib. Jase came behind me and held me tight. Reassuring. Always reassuring.

I took something to help me sleep. Then I reluctantly and painfully crawled into bed. 5:15 am would come early and we would be heading to the big city with Gabe to get his heart made right.

one year in heaven

I was oblivious that our sweet Seth had died on this day a year ago. I was going about life, missing him, and pleading for the healing of his heart, but trusting that it would all be okay. And the Lord had already made everything okay, perfectly. Selfishly, that's the privilege and the curse international adoption. Of your child being halfway around the world. You get the blessing of not knowing and the intense pain of truth and realization.

You always, always want to know more. Begging for news. But deep down, not wanting it to come because fear is a powerful thing to carry.

It's hard for me to fathom that this year has passed so quickly. At the time, everything seemed to be slowly spinning out of control. And it seemed that the funk in which I found myself, would never leave. I waited and prayed for the fog to lift. To see clearly. To laugh again. 

And the Lord Himself brought my laughter back.

The last week especially, my thoughts drift to sweet Seth. Dusting the guest room where his box of things lay. Opening it to see his beautiful face for the first time in several months. And then to know the date, November 10th, was coming.

Many quiet tears this week. And with them, the promise that all is well with our precious boy.

I'm at peace but he is perfected.

I'm mourning but he is rejoicing.

I'm holding onto faith but he has sight.

Though I would move heaven and earth to hold him and touch him and whisper loves in his ear, I cannot be sad about Seth's death anymore. I can't be sad that he is there and not here. It was completely within the Lord's hand and will to take him. I know that full well and I rest in His sovereignty.

Today, my tears come out of gratitude.

Praise God, I am grateful.

And it took a long time to say this.

Seth's death was best.

Best. 

Best for him, without a doubt.

Best for us because even though we weren't sure at the time, our son still waited in Henan, China.

And best for Gabe who is, at this moment, napping peacefully in his crib in our room. Dear Lord, how precious is this boy. We are blessed beyond what we deserve with his coming to us.

The beauty from ashes that I spoke of  and that the Lord's Word proclaims, is most assuredly ours today.

"to proclaim the year of the LORD’s favor, and the day of vengeance of our God; to comfort all who mourn; to grant to those who mourn in Zion— to give them a beautiful headdress instead of ashes, the oil of gladness instead of mourning, the garment of praise instead of a faint spirit; that they may be called oaks of righteousness, the planting of the LORD, that he may be glorified."

Isaiah 61:2-3

this is us these days

So four weeks. Gabe has been with us for four weeks today.

Anybody else blown away by that?

I mean, it's a paradox. You wait and wait and pray and pray for them to come home. And then they get here and life is good and you are so grateful. But time marches on pretty darn rootin' tootin' fast once they're here. Why is that? I'll never know. It's just the truth.

We've literally watched with our own eyes how this little boy has begun to transform from an orphan to son. The day we received him, he was so brave. So stoic. We expected tears and screams and arching of the back. And really even flat out rejection since he'd been in foster care for the majority of his sweet life. Instead we were given a very serious, brave little boy. What must have been going through his head. How hard he was working to hold it all together. I can't imagine. 

But today, just four weeks later, we have a smiling, giggling and full on kiss giving son. Sure, he can't grasp forever yet. We are probably the "current caregivers" in a pretty long list of others he has known in his short 18 months. Mama and daddy have little meaning still. And he surely has no clue his identity has changed.

That his everything has drastically changed. 

And with these changes, Gabe continues to amaze us. He's so resilient. So strong. His name is well suited for him. I pray it's prophetic..."strong man of God." What a story he has. What strength the Lord has so beautifully given him already. May that be just the beginning. May his strength be found in Jesus alone for the rest of his days. That is our prayer.

So these days. What have they held?

Well, this has been the week of appointments. We went to meet with Dr. F, the pediatric cardiologist, this past Monday. They did both an EKG and an ECG and determined that the findings China had made were accurate. Gabe's PDA has not closed and will require correction. The first bit of good news is that he is not in immediate distress and we can put off the surgery for a few months while we confer with other specialists about things first. Also, we learned that the blood that is entering into his lungs {blood that shouldn't be} is doing so in fast smaller spurts instead of slow gushes. That's great news too. Dr. F said that it looked like a straightforward PDA closure would be in order and would be done via heart catheterization.

Praise God!

So that is all wonderful to hear.

On Tuesday, I called the pedi because sweet baby was still pulling at his ear and his nose continued to run like crazy. They got us in that day at 1pm and wouldn't you know it, three antibiotics had not touched Gabe's ear infection.

Grrr.

To be perfectly honest, I didn't expect them to. We've walked this road before with Sydney and well, I wasn't in the least surprised. The pedi {whom I really like a lot} proceeded to write antibiotic prescription #4.

Uh, no thank you.

I mean, I took the paper. I'm no dummy.

And then I got in my car and called the chiropractor.

Because chiropractors make ear infections go away.

Yes, they do.

And if you don't believe me, just ask me. I will tell you with no hesitation.

Chiropractors make ear infections go away. 

So there. You asked. I told you. It's the truth.

Dr. Joe worked his magic. Gabe giggled his way through the adjustment and then proceeded to have the best night yet since being home. Almost immediately, his nose nearly stopped running and his irritability was greatly lessened. But just to make sure, I took my friend, Suzie's, advice and put garlic oil drops in his ears for good measure.

Don't believe me? Google it. I dare ya. lol

Yep, he smelled like a pizzeria in Italy for a couple of days but hey, after those drops and two visits to the chiropractor, our Gabe is a new man. {Thanks, Suzie, for letting me drop by at 8:30pm and borrow drops! You're a friend, true blue! }

So that's the scoop. Four doctor/chiropractor appointments this week alone. And the sweetie pie is just that. A complete and utter sweet blessing. We had our first post placement report on Friday and our social worker commented on how easily he goes to the five of us, but not to her...which, of course, is how it should be. He is learning more day by day to trust us and is attaching beautifully. He is so good with his siblings. He is beginning to love us all and actually, score one for mama {!} actually prefers me most since being home!

I'd be a big fat liar if I said I minded that!

Nope, I don't mind a bit. Well, until he wakes up at 3am and sleeps attempts to sleep in bed with us and I'm hugging the side of the bed with one adorable knee and one set of sweet piggies in the small of my back. 

That's the time when I ask Jase at 7:30 to get up with him and give me just one more hour of sleep. 

Ah, y'all. Life is good. I plumb dumb adore this boy. 

Of course that's how it should be. It's a done deal though. I'm completely nuts over him. Jase and I just keep looking at each other and shaking our heads in disbelief and sheer happiness. It's like we need to pinch ourselves to make sure that this adorable and funny boy is ours. We can't imagine that he would not be...it's too hard to go back now and wonder "what if?" because Gabe is so much a part of us. 

We know that God is sovereign. We rest in that and live in that and we will die in that Truth. And we see it evident in how He not only sustained Gabe's life, but also in the terrible beautiful way He brought us to Gabe. 

I blogged about the one month anniversary of Seth's death last year and the fact that I knew we were going to receive our son someday. I didn't know at the time it was Gabe. I had not even seen his picture yet. I was so broken over Seth. Completely broken. But I truly believed my God would not bring us to that point and leave us. I knew down deep that He would complete the work He had begun, the work of bringing our son home.

{December 11, 2011}

What in the world will take this away from me? 

Only Jesus. Over and over I say to myself, and to Him...

You are my Peace.

You are good.

You are enough.

Your plans are not to harm me.

You are faithful.

You can be trusted.

You alone are my portion.

Over and over and over I tell Jesus. Over and over and over, I tell myself. And I know, someday we will step into a room, and be handed a beautiful child. Probably one whose heart needs fixing. And I will say to him, "You were worth it all. You were worth the loss. You were worth the hurt. You are the beauty from our ashes." And I will mean it. I really, really will.

I can say now, with no hesitation, those words are true. 

Gabe was worth it all. Of course he was.

Of course he is!

Worth the loss. 

And the hurt.

Not that he has any part in that loss or that hurt. But our love for him, mine especially, was born out of those things. In my head, I know God's plan is in place despite what I believe about it. But in my heart, I shudder to think we could have missed him.

Missed Gabe.

Lord, that is so painful to contemplate now.

Again, it was all the Lord's work. So there's no doubt what that His will would be done. But humanly speaking, losing Seth...gave us Gabe. And to me now, that is so precious.

And it was completely worth it all.

I absolutely mean it.  Gabe was never second and he never will be. He was the little boy whom Jesus chose to be our son on this earth. The Lord was at work before Seth died to accomplish His will, He was at work in the midst of our pain and it was always His plan to redeem Gabe's story from one of loss to one of grace. Our loss and his...grace for us and for him. We couldn't see it then, though we believed it to be true. But now, we see so clearly. 

Gabe is most beautiful and our ashes pale in comparison to the grace we have experienced in four short weeks with our son. This is us these days. To God be the glory, great things he has done.

culmination

So today is just that.

A culmination.

Of prayers and gifts and tears and hope.

I was awake in bed early yesterday morning {very early for a homeschool day}, and I kept thinking of this word. And how true it is for us. It was just one year and one week ago that I stumbled across #482's profile on China's shared list. That number represented a beautiful little boy, our Seth, whom I fell in love with on paper, before I ever laid eyes on him. How the Lord wove him into me was and is something I can't explain. He's part of the story. The story of how God brought sweet Gabe to us. How grateful I am today. To be boarding a plane with the expressed purpose of bringing him home. How wonderful to be at this point and to see the beauty in the loss.

It's a culmination of a process. A year long {minus 2 months after Seth died} process. Folks, you just can't ask for more than that. To petition two mighty countries to let you adopt a child and then for them to agree and it all to play out in less than a year? Amazing. But the paperwork and approvals and sleepless nights and home study visits have come down to this day. Praise God it's over.

It's also a culmination of gifts. Yesterday in bed, I was remembering just how many people have helped us financially. From our friends Eric and Ellie who were spending the night on their way to Disn*y...on the very night we found out that Seth had died, and gave to us. To our dear friends and former students who gave out of their grief when their son was born premature and went to be with Jesus. Three grants. Family and friends who gave...some out of their want and some out of plenty, but all in obedience. Photography sessions that others booked with me to help us. Anonymous gifts from brothers and sisters at church. And even friends who are in the midst of their own adoption in China who gave because the Spirit led them. Our entire airfare provided by a precious couple who said that God had spoken clearly to them about was their part in bringing Gabe home was. All of these have been brought together to bless us.

And to bless the Lord.

We're still in the Book of Acts with the kids and have been reading about Cornelius in chapter 10 this week. The Scriptures say that God considered his good deeds toward the poor to be an offering to Him.

I love that.

I can say with all assurance, these gifts to us, to Gabe, have been a sweet smelling offering to the Lord God. And they continue to be a treasured blessing for Jase and I. You all have partnered with the Lord to bring our son home. We are more than grateful. Words fail me though I want so much to tell you how much we love you and how used of God you have been in our lives.

It's also the culmination of our hope. Our hope to graft Gabe into us. To  make him one of us, forever. It's the picture of Christ's work in saving His people. Our hope is not unfounded, friends. He came. He paid. He lives. And He will come again. To God be the glory. Our hope is secure. And though Gabe is mostly unaware, his earthly hope is secure as well. He is ours and we are his. There is nothing that we have that doesn't belong to him. No amount of need or want can outweigh what we stand ready to offer this precious one. Our hope is sure.

We would love for you to follow along if you'd like. To make things easier for readers, I have disabled comment moderation as well as am allowing anonymous comments while we are away. If you would like to leave Gabe a comment...we'd love that. We will do as we did for Joel and print them for him to have when he is older. You can do that by clicking the link below my name at the bottom of each post...

And if you feel led, please lift us up to the Lord. We made prayer cards with specific requests. If you don't live near us or if you missed them...here is a copy.

Thank you, dear ones. Thank you for your love for us, for Gabe, and for the Gospel in which we glory.

And now, here we gooooo!

NHBO August

This was my monthly contribution to No Hands But Ours. Recorded here for journaling.

t-minus very soon

August 1, 2012 By nohandsbutours 7 Comments

I typically have a pretty good idea where I’m going with a post here. I mean, it’s only once a month, right? How hard can it be? My slot is usually the first day of each month. So by the week before it’s due, I’ve at least got a jumping-off point. But this time is different. My mind feels fried! And sadly, cohesive thoughts are far and few between!

I consider my small role as a blogger for NHBO to be one as an encourager. Someone to write about things that would spur you on to consider adopting a child with needs, to come along side you who are in the thick of the process and to lift up those of you who have adopted. I try to be intentional and post things that make us think and stretch us to consider others.

But this month?

All I can think about is us.

So forgive my selfish indulgence.

Because friends, we are going to China soon!
We now find ourselves smack dab in the middle of the wait for Travel Approval. Our Article 5 was picked up last week. You China peeps know about that all too well. And so here we are.

T-minus…sometime very soon.

It’s highly likely that I will be on an airplane when September 1st rolls around. Or will have been in country for a week already.

Eeeek.

And the road, while incredibly short for all intents and purposes, has been a beautiful tragedy in so many ways. Being this close to travel, I’m contemplating where we’ve been, what we’ve walked and am able to embrace it in a new way.

We began the process last year for a 13 month old little boy whose special needs were 5 heart defects and a radial club hand. And I should say, by way of encouragement, we began with no money!

Can I get an amen?

But we knew God had spoken. We put 300 red stones in a jar and we trusted Him for provision. Each stone tangibly representing $100.

We were blown away in October by how the Lord was moving stones out of our jar! He was providing in the most amazing ways. We were soaring in our faith.

And then a month later, the call came that we always knew was possible but didn’t want to believe would happen.

We lost our son, Seth, on November 10th. He was in Kunming and due to complications from heart surgery, he died. These were the hardest and darkest days of my life thus far. I just can’t tell you. He would have turned two in July and my heart still aches for him. Our beautiful boy, pictured here just two weeks before he died, was gone.

My husband and I took two months and cried and prayed and struggled to hear from the Lord what His plan could be. How He would bring beauty from our ashes. And in February, we submitted paperwork for our 3rd son, the little prince {as we affectionately called him}. We later named him Gabe.

Gabriel Seth.

Gabe’s heart was sick, but not nearly to the degree as Seth’s was. He had other needs listed as well and while I struggled to let go of Seth…I also struggled to let Gabe in. I pressed on in prayer and day by day, and sometimes minute by minute, The Lord grafted Gabe into me. Into us.

I mean come on. How sweet is this boy?

Forgive me. This post is so self indulgent. I can’t even stand it. Sooo ready to hop on that plane and bring this sweetie home.

I know that our Seth is well. Perfect. Healed and whole. And knowing that our sweet Gabe is just weeks away from leaving all he knows and loves is weighing heavy on me these days. Do you all get that way before travel? I teeter between moments of pure bliss at the thought of holding Gabe for the first time and moments where I’m driven to God in prayer for his little heart that will grieve the loss of his foster family and all that he knows. Some days, many days, it’s just too much.

Because some days, you get something like this unexpectedly in your inbox.

And then your day is shot staring at every detail. Memorizing every feature…again.

We’re so close. So close I can feel it.

And that jar?

The one that represented $30,000? The one that held 300 stones?

It’s empty.

It’s empty, but our hearts are full.

Of love and gratitude and humility for what the Lord has done.

We are t-minus soon.

And that’s just about all we can think about these days.




2

It's July 9th.

Our sweet Seth would have been 2 years old today.

We would have very likely been traveling for him right now.

Or possibly would have just come home with him.

We are weeks away from leaving for China to bring Gabe into our family.

And we stopped all adoption related work for two months when Seth died.

So it is very realistic to think that we would have been with our baby today had the unthinkable not happened.

But it did.

And we aren't.

I had imagined this day being different. Celebrating his birthday with family and a fun cake and the thought of him blowing out candles made me smile.

That seems like a lifetime ago. So many months have passed since I had that daydream. So much has changed.

Still, I know that the Lord is good. And I'm resting in His goodness today.

My daydream has changed.

Now I see him well and whole and enjoying Heaven in the presence of Jesus. I imagine him laughing and running and not tired. Not blue or struggling for breath.

What a work the Lord has done. What grace He offers to those who mourn. Everyday I want Seth. Everyday I think of him and my heart hurts. My body still aches under this weight. That stupid lump comes to my throat and tears fill my eyes and I want to know why.

I may never know the full answer to my why questions.

But I do know in part.

Gabriel Seth continues to wait for us in Henan, China.

God made a way. He allowed us to walk a hard road riddled with doubts and anger and unanswered questions. But at the end of that road is our Gabe.

And in just a few weeks, God willing, we will hold our son. We will rejoice and be glad and graft him in where he belongs.

But today?

Today is hard.

Happy Birthday, precious baby boy.

You are still so loved by this mama.

You are not forgotten by those who took you into their hearts. 

We know that you are perfect now. 

That you wouldn't choose to come to us even if you could. 

We know you are right where you need to be.

But we miss you so much.

Happy Birthday, precious baby boy.

We love you.

breezing & dreaming

So I have to say, getting the LOA and news from China about our sweet boy on Sunday, has just catapulted me into the excitement phase. Not that I haven't been excited all along. But honestly, I've just been putting one step in front of the other since we were told about Gabe on January 4th and said "Yes" to him a few weeks later at the end of the month.

Somehow, getting to this point in the process has served to heal my heart all the more concerning Seth. Of course hearing how he died was the biggest help in that area. But this milestone in our adoption is a close second. I finally feel free to just be plumb dumb nutso excited about Gabe. Again, not that I haven't been all along. I have. I have just felt so guarded. Not by choice. I think it's just the human response to loss.

And everyday, I still feel the loss of Seth.

I was telling my mom the other day that I feel like I just need to go to China. :) I need to step off of that plane and be in my sons' birth country. I need to take that place in and let Seth go even more. And I need to take that place in and become even more intertwined with Gabe.

It's a paradox in my mind.

But somehow, I feel like if I can just get there, I'll be okay.

Apart from losing Seth, which is hard to separate but you know what I mean...this process has been an absolute breeze.

You heard me right.

We began in September, took just over two months off to grieve, picked it back up in late January and will likely travel in September of this year.

You can't hardly beat that, y'all.

Absolute breeze.

Sure, it's my second adoption. I'm not a pro by any means, but I'm not a greenie, either.

Process wise, it has not been hard at all. Some days were harder than others. But by and large, it has flown by and been so easy peasy this time. Maybe it's because I knew what to expect. Maybe it's because I was shell shocked by Seth's death and just going through the motions in a way up till now.

For whatever reason though, I'm grateful. You can't really ask for better than a 12 month or less international adoption process. I know it happens sometimes. But it's rare. And I just feel so good about things now.

And I'm really just wanting our boy home these days in a different way. I've always wanted him home. But now, it's like it's okay to want him home TODAY! Does that even make sense? I think of him constantly and with the approval and news from the nurse who cared for him...I'm just on the edge of my seat.

And I'm dreaming about him a lot. 

The morning of June 16th, the Saturday after our LOA was granted by China but we didn't know it yet, I had been awoken mid dream by Joel. He was rubbing my face and I was still dreaming...and incorporating his rubbing into my dream. Do you ever do that? Something is happening in real life and somehow it makes sense in your dream too? Anyway, here was my FB status that morning...

I just met Gabe...he was handed to me and I held him and rubbed his face and told him how loved he was. He just stared at me like he should know me, but didn't yet. I kissed him over and over and he smiled at me. It was perfect. ♥ And then I woke up.

That was the first time I had actually dreamed I was meeting him. I've had a few dreams about him over the months at weird times. But this one got to me. And after the previous Friday with no LOA news {even though we had a HUGE answer to prayer that day!}, I was kinda down because I woke up to reality. A uber sweet reality...the Thai Tornado rubbing my face and willing me out of my sleep. Still, it hurt a little to not be there with Gabe.

I've had a few more since then but none so real. My point being, we've almost made it. We are nearly to  the end of a not too long process to bring our adorable son home. It feels so good, y'all. And I'm not the only one feeling this way.

Joel asks me several times a day,

"Mama, when my baby Gabe coming home?"

"Why can't my baby Gabe come home today?"

"I so ready see him, mama."

"I so uh sited see him, mama."

Joel prayed for Gabe at dinner time a few nights ago. Then, as we began to eat, he asked,

"My baby be born in China and then coming Merica?"

We told him that was right.

"Him gonna be Merican wike me?"

Again, we said yes.

"That so good. Him gonna be Merican. Him need fam-uh-we wike me."

And with that last statement, he had opened his hand and motioned around the table to the other four of us.

Jase looked at me and grinned with watery eyes and then said, "Gabe has to come home soon. I can't take him saying this stuff much longer!"

And it's true. Joel has just been so very sweet about Gabe. So concerned. So in tune. That may all change in a few months! lol. But we see the Lord working in him so clearly. Helping him to understand what is happening to his brother...and what happened to him nearly three years ago. It is most precious.

So today, our I-800 immigration paperwork has been where it needs to be for 8 days. :) And it could take up to another two weeks to process it before the next step. That means I'm breezing through today, y'all. I'm not expecting anything and so I can just be. Of course, if it came early, that'd be okay too! :)

all over the place

So this post is gonna come outta nowhere. And be all over the place.

Because that's how I'm feeling...all over the place today.

I must say, I've done so well with the wait for Gabe. Much better than I managed to cope with Joel's wait. I've got a few theories about this.

I don't know if it's because I know that China adoptions are waaay more predictable than Thailand ones. So you can surely deal with things in a better way when you are skipping along following current and expected timelines. Since late January, when we said "YES!" to Gabe, things have moved along at a really reasonable pace. Honest, it's been so good process wise.

Could be because the last we heard, Gabe was doing so very well and was sporting some super pink lips {and clothes! lol} that told us his heart was functioning properly.

Surely, it's the Lord though. The Lord has sustained us and given us encouragement and hope that we will bring this sweet boy home. The fact that He is speaking and confirming and providing is such a boost to our faith.

But today.

Today, I'm kinda wavering.

Not wavering in my faith.

Just in my ability to cope with things.

I've got a few theories on this too.

I'm not 100% sure about any of them. But they all seem plausible.

I'm not sure if it's due to the fact that we are getting closer to several unknowns. A new son coming into our family, three children to homeschool in the fall, etc...a new normal is upon us.

Or if it's because we lost Seth in November and I'm still numb. So, so numb from it.

It could be that I know our friend Mary was/is in Gabe's hometown last night and possibly today. She was traveling there to receive two more sweet children from the SWI to be fostered with their group. Mary mentioned that she hoped to see the nurse who is the foster home facilitator where Gabe spent the first year of his life and that she may know where he was transferred to in late April. I'm so hopeful for news from her and if it doesn't come, it will be hard to take.

It might be that I have a toothache in a tooth that has a crown and I'm terrified that it's an abscess. A painful and expensive prospect to say the least.

Maybe it's that our adoption savings have taken a hit this week with $859 in tires, rotors, brakes, alignment...and the thought of more of it going to a dumb tooth makes me so sad. We still have one grant application outstanding as well as a no interest loan one. Please pray with us for still needed travel provision. We know God will provide.

It may very well be that in my Lortab/Phenergan stupor of last night, I dreamed of our Gabe. And I thought for sure it was real until I woke up this morning. In the dream, Mary not only got information about Gabe, she was given a blog address to his new foster facility. And when I went there, I saw new pictures and video of our beautiful boy. He was with other Americans {? Why I have no idea!} and they were teaching him little Bible songs to sing. He would just throw his head back and cackle during some of them. But then I woke up...

Or it might be that my friend Suzie hasn't heard about her immigration approval yet and I'm so heartbroken for her that the officer isn't bending over backwards to help them. Today is decision day it seems and I'm on edge waiting to hear from her.

And though it's such a blessing to know that our dossier is out of translation, it's hard to imagine that we still may have a ways to go before LOA. I'm so hopeful. But it just wears on my mind. It's not the wait...it's just the not knowing. I understand we haven't waited long at all. I'm in no way complaining about it. Honest. It's just the notion that we could get a phone call anytime. That's all good, I know. It's just exhausting sometimes.

Well, this is depressing. I'm sorry. I just don't ever want this blog to be a blog over a journal. I don't want to sugar coat things and give some impression of a life we don't actually live. So it is what it is.

This is me.

All over the place.

where we are, is where i am

So this post is more for journaling purposes...a lot of details and things I'm working through right now. I've got no new pictures of Gabe {even though I check that blog every morning just in case!} or of the kiddos to share. Just wanted to get down my thoughts about things and let you know, if you're wondering, where we are in the process to our sweet baby boy...and where I am with it all.

Well, today marks day 43 in our LOA/LSC wait. This is really the crux of the China adoption wait. It is the most unpredictable and kinda, the most important step. Up till this point, the powers that be over there, have merely "Pre Approved" us. Once we have that next magic piece of paper, we will know that they have said "Yes!" officially and that we are cleared to proceed with the second step of immigration here in the US to bring Gabe home.

I don't want to bore you with too many details, but this is the gist of it. As I've said before, the LOA/LSC wait fluctuates quite a bit with no rhyme or reason as to why. The averages teeter between 60-100 days. Some poor families even wait longer than 100 days. Your dossier is sent to China {ours was sent on 3.27} and it gets logged in first {ours was logged in on 4.13} and then begins the arduous task of translating it by an outside company. Once it moves out of translation, it goes back to the government peoples who look it over, check it out, and make their determination about granting the LOA/LSC.

Clear as mud, right?

IF we are going to be one of the fortunate families, and our LOA/LSC wait is shorter by the averages, we should move out of translation any time now. Once that happens, your agency generally has the document within the month, and you can plan travel within the next 2-3 months. The cool/nerve racking thing is, our agency can SEE when this happens via China's website. So they will let us know when we are out of translation and we can pretty much figure to have our approval within the next few weeks. So at this point, I'm hoping for a phone call. Heck, I'd take an email saying we are out of translation. But really, I'm not holding my breath just yet.

So when?

Everywhere we look, {ie other families, charts on various websites, etc}, it seems the timelines are extending. So while we fully expected to travel sometime in September, it is looking later based on the current averages. And there is a big honking trade fair in GZ {where we will finalize Gabe's adoption in China} during October. It would be really hard to travel then. Hotels are already booked in many cases and if they aren't, they are double the price they would be normally. It's a huge deal there. So we would, for all intents and purposes, have to postpone going to China if it fell in October.

That would be really difficult for this mama to deal with. 

So that was the where we are portion of the post.

Now for the is where I am part.

I think, THINK, I'm doing pretty well.

I'm not freaking out about the extended timelines or that our LOA/LSC may take 100+ days. I'm just trying to put one foot in front of the other and live well today. Live well with my babies and my Jase and trust that everything is as it should be with our process. But the process isn't what gets me. It's thinking about our boy.

Some days my faith is shallow and others it's solid. Do you guys have days like that?

I told a dear friend this week, it seems like I'm walking through some "Seth moments" and it scares the dooky outta me. His death is still so raw for me much of the time. A couple of weeks ago, we passed the six month anniversary of his passing. How can it already be six months? It still hurts so, so much. And I think that I'm just nervous sometimes.

I'm not a superstitious person really. I mean, I did wear the same pair of underwear each week for every basketball game during my senior year of high school. But that doesn't count as being completely mad or superstitious, right? It may have made my mom nuts with laundry though!

Back to the point, and like I told my friend, it just seems like I need to walk through some of these Seth moments and then get to the other side of them and know he's still okay. Does that even make sense?

We named him. We named him Gabriel. And we love his name. But we named Seth and we loved it and we lost him. We talked about Seth and prayed for Seth by name and he took up residence in our hearts. And then he died. So we were hesitant to name Gabe. To put a name with his face.

But we did it. And now it's like I need to know that Gabe is still okay.

In early November last year, I had ordered some pictures of Seth to frame around the house. They arrived on a Saturday but I neglected to frame them until Monday morning before school. And then we got home that afternoon and had the phone call that would change everything.

I put those pictures up that morning.

And Jase took them down that same night.

Last week, I finally broke down and ordered some pictures of Gabe to frame. We were changing some things in Joel's bathroom and I wanted some shots of the boys in there. I also picked one of him for our bedroom, so I can see his face each morning when I wake up.

I'm such an idiot. I almost couldn't do it. Isn't that so crazy? Everything in me wants to bring this beautiful boy home. And many times, everything in me is afraid something will prevent it. I know that's irrational. It's just that once you've walked a hard road, you'll do anything you can to not walk it again. As if I have any control over it at all...

Of course I don't.

Enter Jesus.

My goodness. He is so good. So timely. So patient.

And so in control.

I love the word sovereign.

adj. possessing extreme and ultimate power.

That is our God. He is sustaining it all with His Word. With His will. With His hand.

With all of the uncertainty I feel and the doubts that come at the most inopportune times, there is still peace. And walking through some of these moments is good for me. It stretches me and causes me to see the goodness of God anew. Whatever or whenever things happen, it is okay because He's sovereign over it. That's good news!

Where we are, is where I am.

what's in a name?

So that's the million dollar question. At least at our house, it is. Our children have been relentless about naming the little prince. They've asked often when he would have a name and why we were waiting so long to settle on it. We kept putting them off. I mean, we've wanted to include the kids in the process. All the while, we knew the decision would fall on our shoulders instead of theirs. But we felt like it was a good thing to flesh it out with them. And boy did they want to be included!

Their top suggestions, in no particular order, were...

D@rth Maul

William "Will"

Nolan

Captain Jack Sp@rrow

Lincoln

Jackson

James

D@rth Vader

You can see our dilemma, yes?

We did consider a couple of these but for some reason or another, quickly dismissed them as being a possibility. Still, we had no real direction. Jase and I had a name in mind and had really been praying about it specifically. It was one with a great deal of personal meaning for us and others. But in the end, we came to the conclusion that it wouldn't be best...for us or for the others. So we let it go.

But that put us back to square one. Seth's name came so easily really. We both loved it from the minute we discussed it. This time is different. I will probably get all of that out here in a post sooner or later but I'm just not up for it yet. :)

So we had a short list. We wanted something more timeless. Not a top ten name or one that a ton of other little boys his age may have. A couple of weeks ago, I brought the short list to bed and we worked through them one by one. And we came to a decision. A decision we feel great about and really love.

Our little prince's first name means "strong man of God". Oh that that would prove true someday. That is our most earnest prayer for all of our children...that they would be people of faith in Jesus.  So we felt that this was a fitting start.

Both the first and the middle names are biblical, which we didn't necessarily set out to do. Of our three babies at home, only Joel has a biblical name. But the middle one was easy to choose. It just seemed like the right thing to do. It means "appointed" or "placed". I love that. And once we said them together, it just fell into place. Sooo...

The little prince is to be now and forever known as our precious Gabriel Seth R....

He is strong.  He has endured much in his short and sweet life. {Here} We hope that he will be granted strength of spirit though as he grows and is taught about the Lord and His Word. Strength in faith and strength of character.

He has been placed. Placed in our hearts. Placed in our family. We anticipate with joy the day he will be placed in our home.

And we pray that he has been appointed unto salvation and that he will indeed be a strong man of God.

What's in a name?

A whole, whole lot.

This image was taken {10.30.2011} just eleven days before his brother and namesake would trade a sick heart for a whole one, and a fallen world for a perfect one. Even then, before we knew he existed, he was our Gabe. Our beauty from ashes. We are blessed. 

Hang on sweet boy! We'll be there as soon as we can!

eyes on us

This post was written for my monthly contribution to No Hands But Ours.

I distinctly remember countless details about November 14th last year. It was a Monday and I was at our school where I work in 2nd grade. {We private school there two days a week and home school the other three days.} The sweet ladies at the front desk asked about our little boy in China and if we had any news about him to share.

In that moment, tears welled up in my eyes and I told them that the latest news we had was from a month prior. That our baby was beginning to turn blue from his heart defects {Tetrology of Fallot + one other defect}. And then I spoke to them about something that I sensed but had not yet known to be true.

“I know it’s silly, but I feel like people are watching us.”

To see how this would all play out. Wondering if we would actually bring this little boy home in time. They didn’t really talk to me about it…these people that I felt were peering into our lives. But it was just a sense. I couldn’t explain it then and I surely can’t now.

The next several hours would prove to be some of the most devastating I had ever faced in my 37 years. We were told that our Seth had died in Kunming and life as we, as I, knew it; had come to a screeching halt.

Fast forward four months.

Here we are.

As I write this {a few days earlier than it will be posted}, I’m awaiting a phone call from our agency saying that we are officially DTC.

Dossier to China…today.

How I’ve longed for those words to be spoken or written for us.

We have identified our son, the little prince, as I affectionately call him and we are thrilled. Still so broken over Seth’s loss, but rejoicing in what God has done.

And what has He done? What is He continuing to do?

He has brought this new son {in Henan} to us and is moving mountains to help us bring him home. All the while, He is also using our precious Seth to awaken others to the plight of the fatherless and fan into flame the blessing we have to set them into families.

I cannot tell you how many people have come forward over the last, say, three months to tell us that {in large part} because of Seth, they are now beginning an adoption process or praying about when and how to begin one.

In February, a dear friend knocked on our door unexpectedly with a book to give to me. She had read it and kept thinking of us while she did. So she bought another copy and brought it over for me. There, standing in our foyer, she told me how she had been praying for YEARS that they could adopt. And that she had never once nagged her husband about it. Lol. And for her birthday that month, as part of her gifts, he gave her “Choosing to See” by Mary Beth Chapman. She responded that she was so grateful for such a thoughtful gift…that she had been wanting to read it and “thank you, honey”, etc. But he looked at her and said, “Suzie, this is our green light. I believe the Lord is leading us to adopt a son.” This couple had been so sweet to us when Seth died and now, the Lord was honoring Suzi’s prayers and brought her husband on board without her even knowing it.

Then there is the friend/acquaintance who moved away from our state before I got to know her really well. She reached out to me recently and we spoke for an hour and a half last week about beginning their adoption process. She had a million questions. I had the answers for half of them. But they are resolved, seeking the Lord as to how and when to proceed.

And a college student of ours {my husband is a youth pastor}, sent me a Facebook message this weekend to tell me that God is dealing with her about orphans and that she senses strongly that she is being led to serve them in some way.

I can’t tell you how many cups of coffee I’ve shared with PAP’s, how many emails, FB messages, phone calls, texts…you name it, I have received in the last few months where people say to me that they have “always wanted to adopt” or have “been thinking and praying about adoption” or “feel led to orphan care”…and that watching us walk through the fire has given them the urgency to do so.

In many of these instances, the seeds were already planted by someone else. We take no glory or credit for any of it. It is never our intention to bring attention to ourselves, only to shine a huge spotlight on Him, and help others see what we see and know what we know.

But the death of our son, and the grace that God has showered on our family, have been the water to so many of these seeds. Seeds that were just laying there in the ground waiting to be watered in, waiting to take hold and grow, are now peeking through the dirt. Some, like our family, have fertile ground and it will be easy for them to take root with lots of love and support.

But if you’re like me, you know of others who will be met with opposition all around them, whose families will reject their desire to adopt. Still, we offer water to those seeds and trust that they will break through the concrete and grow tall.

It is so humbling. And scary.

I had no idea that Monday, when I shared with the ladies how I felt about others were watching us, that it was in many ways, prophetic. I would have never chosen it for myself. And there are countless others, walking roads so much more difficult than ours, who are watering seeds left and right.

My encouragement to us all today is to just be open. Be aware. The world is watching. If one child is adopted because someone else has watched you or me adopt or because we have endured a trial and have come out refined as gold…what a lasting legacy that is for our children.

Seeds have been sown all around us. Let’s water them in.

his box

So last week was a hard one for me. I'm just gonna lay it all out there. I don't want to be a downer or depress you {whoever you are, besides my babies}. But it just was a hard Seth week for me.

I think I mentioned it before. But completing that dossier was both exhilarating and nauseatingly painful. Isn't that crazy? How can that be?

More than anything, I want to bring the little prince home.

More than anything, I want to bring Seth back.

Only one of those things I am capable of doing. I know that full well. Trust me. I'm not nuts. The reality of those two statements are in the forefront of my mind every single day. But the closer we get to the little prince, and we still have a long way to go, the more I feel this tension. The tension of wanting them both. I desperately want them both home. I know that sounds so crazy. Seth is home. Our goal now is to walk this road {still a daily thing for me} with grace and bring the little prince here to his family who loves him so.

There is no doubt in my mind whatsoever that we are doing the right thing.

None.

The little prince is ours and we are his and I would be the happiest woman in the world if they would just say that we could come get him tomorrow. Which is not at all likely since our dossier was just delivered to WACAP over the weekend! Lol. Yeah, I'm pretty sure no one has ever traveled to adopt their child without their dossier being in country! We will hopefully {prayerfully!}, be DTC tomorrow!  But if they called, I'd be on that plane today.

I loved Seth for 84 days before we found out he had died.

My goodness, how fast we fall madly and irrevocably in love with these children. Children we don't know and haven't met or touched. It is so very fast.

As of this writing, I have loved Seth for 133 days more, since we knew he went to Heaven.

He's been gone from us more days than he was here, as far as we were aware of him.

And so I finally, finally bought a box for his things. Of course, we have nothing of his truly. Lord, I wish we did. But that isn't possible or at the very least, isn't at all likely.

But we have pictures of him.

And emails of encouragement about him.

And prayer cards we made to give to people who loved him too.

And the little charm I ordered to wear until he came home.

And a huge stack of sympathy cards that were sent to us when he died.

We have all of those things. And for the last four months, they've been on an eye level shelf in our kitchen. Every day, there they were. I needed to put them away. I kept telling myself to buy the box and for many reasons, which you can surely relate to, I just didn't.

Until this weekend.

My mom and I had a few hours to ourselves this past Friday night and I told her that I really felt like it was time to do this. I had been putting it off and I needed to just do it. She helped me pick out the perfect box. Red, of course. Red for China. Red for heart health.

Red for our sweet Seth.

I came home Saturday night and placed his things in the box, had a good cry, and snapped some pictures. We will save it for the little prince to have when he is older. To me, they are so connected. Their stories so intertwined. Maybe that's just in my head. In my heart. But I can't get away from it. So one day, we will tell our sweet son about him and how the Lord used Seth to help us find him in Henan.

I think that this will go a long way in helping me move forward. Not that we/I am not already moving forward. But to remove these things from my sight on a day to day basis, is a good thing. To help me heal. All the while resting in the knowledge that we have a little prince waiting for us...and that our Seth is better than ever.

it just keeps coming

So I told you guys before my previous post about the rescue of orphans, which bordered on novella length {sorry!}, that we received some big news last Thursday. I was not exaggerating y'all. It was big. Huge. Ginormous!

I think, for many untold numbers of families, the lack of finances are one of the biggest hindrances to adoption. We were no different back in '08. We had no idea where the money for Joel's process would come from. No earthly idea. And it caused me great concern back then. I remember many times falling into our bed or onto the floor on my knees in sobs...asking the Lord, "how are you going to do this great thing?"

Last fall, when we began the process for Seth, I wasn't worried about money near as much. Oh, there were still questions. And anytime I'd look at the figures below, I'd get all dry in the mouth and my heart would race. As before, I had no idea how God would do this but I had more of a calm than I did during our first adoption.

I remember leaving from school on Monday, 11.14.11, and talking to my mom on the phone...like I do most every time I make that drive home. She was talking about Seth and about finances. I remember telling her that I really wasn't worried about the money as much this go around. I was just consumed with getting him home in time. That was my worry...his health. His heart. And those beautiful blue lips that he had from lack of oxygen. I had no idea that less than an hour later, we would be told that he had died four days earlier.

Fast forward to now. For background, I will tell you that we have been saving like mad for our first program fees to WACAP for the little prince. Which included the following...

$3000    Agency Fee Part 1
$1500    International Processing Fee Part 1
$760      CCCWA Processing Fee
$40        File Maintenance Fee

For a grand total of $5300 to start with. We have already paid for our application, home study, immigration/biometrics, and many other odds and ends which total over $3500. But these were the first big fees. Yikes.

We had been given a grant by my cousin's organization in the amount of $1000 back in January.
Yippee for grants and cousins!

So, that brought it down to $4300.

And our little prince was awarded a grant by WACAP because of his various special needs in the amount of $2200 {spread over three separate agency fees}. So that would be another $1400 off at this time.

At that point, we needed $2900.

Don't forget though, one of the most humbling gifts we've ever been given...donations in honor of our friend's son, Abram, who passed away. {Read about their tremendous gift and story here}. That totaled $2150.

You see where I'm going...$750.

We went from owing $5300 to only owing $750.

Can I get an amen?

And a hearty, halleluyer?

Well, our contracts came in the mail a couple of weeks ago and there was a little mixup with our initial bill. I spoke with WACAP about it and we straightened things out {they are FANTASTIC to work with}. Our China coordinator told me that she would be getting a corrected bill to me and that we could  hold on to our final contracts until we received the new bill and just mail it all together. Sounded fine to me.

But nearly a week went by. And I hadn't heard from her. Which is really unlike them. So I emailed Yu Ping. And she said that she would be in touch about it. Long story short, she said she would email it to me in about 30 minutes instead of sending it snail mail. Great. That's perfect.

Except, when the email from her came, it simply said for us to mail the contracts without  {yep, she underlined it!} payment.

Hmmm. I don't know about you, but that pretty sounds fishy to me. I start to panic that maybe something is wrong with our file. Or worse yet, with our little prince and they are just postponing payment because something terrible has happened.

I'm a dork. I readily admit it.

I email again just to be sure everything is okay and her reply is very short,

"Everything is perfect with your file. Basically, you don't owe us anything right now."

Um,

WHAT!!??!!!

Then about an hour later and we get an email from a grant organization that we applied to in February.

That's right.

Just three weeks before.

And y'all. They gave us a ton of money. A ton.

We are overwhelmed. Just so relieved and grateful and beyond excited. I can't event tell you.

At this point, with my best guesses and projections, we are only in need of about $4000-$5000.

Total.

For our entire China adoption.

Can you even imagine? Our God has indeed gone before us. And has opened wide the gates of blessing. It's just so humbling to watch Him work.

We have asked Him to provide. Others have prayed on our behalf. Many have given for a sweet baby boy who is in Heaven.

And the God of grace, who owns the cattle on a thousand hills, whose mercy is limitless...
has granted provision.

It just keeps coming. And we stand here, with grateful hearts and gaping mouths watching it all happen.

"What a quiet and serene life you might lead if you would leave providing, to the God of providence! With a little oil in the cruse, and a handful of meal in the barrel, Elijah outlived the famine, and you will do the same. If God cares for you, why need you care too? Can you trust Him for your soul, and not for your body? He has never refused to bear your burdens, He has never fainted under their weight. Come, then, soul! Have done with fretful care, and leave all thy concerns in the hand of a gracious God."

~Charles Haddon Spurgeon

3 BIG days...an officer, a dossier...and a ton of details

So you deserve a medal if you stick with me through this one. It's been nuts here. Nuts, I say. And it's been a good nuts, in hindsight. Still, that means I'm a bad blogger and journal keeper. But maybe it means that I'm a fantastic paper chasing mama!

I have mentioned a couple times about exciting things happening with our adoption process and didn't want to share things too quickly. You know, just in case. I'm not superstitious. Although I did have a pair of lucky basketball game day underwear all through my senior year of high school. lol. Seriously though, with the adoption, I really just figured that if things didn't work out, it would have it made it that much harder to stomach had I blogged about it.

Now I know, that's not real life, is it? But it's my attempt at protecting myself. Sounds really crummy and kind of selfish. Doesn't it? I just didn't want to deal with the disappointment and letdown if we weren't successful.

The long and short of it is this. We needed to speed things up...both for our little prince's heart and for our paperwork that was set to expire in mid April {unless we sent it in batches, which we didn't want to do but would have had it been completely necessary.} Immigration approval comes in two stages. The first stage, lasts anywhere from 35-80 days. It ebbs and flows. We really needed it to be quicker.

So we asked one of our state senators for help with a medical expedite for the little prince. We contacted his office back in January and in February, they called us at home to say "YES! We will most certainly help you." But there was a catch, kind of. Our senator has no control over the powers that be federally. They can request that our immigration approval be sped up considerably because our baby boy has some heart conditions. There is just no guarantee that they will comply or that they will even be convinced that they should.

We were encouraged though and our I-800A paperwork {that gives us permission to legally immigrate an orphaned child to the US} was overnighted on Valentine's Day.

Suweet.

It was signed for and received the following day, the 15th. This is called "Receipt Date".

Brilliant terminology. Whoever thought of that was a genius. :)

I contacted our senator's office again to let him know that we had submitted our paperwork and he let me know that once we had confirmation that it was at H@gue, he would contact them for us. And that he did. And he promptly {within a day} got an email from them stating that we had been approved for a medical expedite of our I-800 immigration process.

Woo to the hoo.

The I-800 process is kind of ridiculous. There's a mysterious "Lock Box" which is really no box at all but is somewhere out in TX where your paperwork is sent initially and your whopping $890 payment is processed. And then there is the building where the people actually work and review your home study and give you the much anticipated approval. Those folks are out in MO. The kicker is, it takes about a couple of weeks after your "Receipt Date" for the all important fingerprinting notice to grace your mailbox. Without this notice, you can do nothing.

On Friday, the 2nd, I had a newborn shoot {TWINS!} in the big city and decided to give the USC*S peoples a little call and see where we stood. I was hoping to have an officer assigned to us. After some back and forth phone calls getting the senator's office to email them a document and yada yada...our officer called my cell phone.

She was kind. Matter of fact. But kind enough. She had our paperwork. She had the verification that we had been approved for the medical expedite.

Then, she said something that made my heart sink.

She told me that something didn't seem right. That our file stated that we had a son who died in China last fall. I confirmed that to her. And she wanted to know why we hadn't filed the I-800A before now. And I told her that we didn't get that far. That our home study was completed at the time but not finalized. That when our Seth died, everything stopped.

Everything just stopped.

And then,

"Well, he wasn't your son then. He was just a little boy you were hoping to adopt."

Silence.

Hold it together, Kam.

Don't cry, Kam.

"Yes, ma'am. I understand. It's just that. He was our son. We had a referral. We had Pre Approval for him."

More silence.

"It's just that. We loved him."

And then she said that our file was very misleading. And that Chin@ shouldn't give families approval without the immigration paperwork being finished first.

I was so surprised that she didn't seem to grasp the process. Or maybe, we were just misunderstanding each other. To be fair, at no point was she angry or haughty. Just very matter of fact. Very business like. And since then, I've read other posts about this particular officer and they all say she is "by the book." I see that about her.

One of us, I don't remember who honestly, changed the subject. She told me that our fingerprinting appointment was for March 26th. I asked if we could walk in early to the Homel@nd Security field office in the big city. She said that we could do whatever we wanted. But that there was no way they were going to let us in to be fingerprinted until our appointment date. She did say, however, that if by some chance we tried, and got in...to call her and she would analyze our home study and see if she could approve us more quickly. That was the bright spot of the entire conversation. Still, I was so worried that she may find something that needed fixing in our home study. I love our social worker...she does a fabulous job. The first I-800 home study that she wrote for us back in 2008 made it through perfectly without any requests for more evidence or changes with USC*S. And WACAP is just fantastic. I know they know what they are doing. But I just worried that this could be hard and that maybe, our home study may be missing something and we would get held up.

I was so bummed. I called Jase. I called my mom. By this time, I was 45 minutes south of the big city getting our home study's notary verified. Two hours away from home and getting crummy news. So I needed some back up. I needed to vent.

I decided to post on the rumor queen forum about it via my phone and within minutes, had other adoptive mamas commenting that we could walk in the field office. That they had done it recently and it was fine. This was Friday....

On Saturday, our fingerprinting notice came. It indeed said the date to appear was the 26th. But on Tuesday, we finished up our home schooling for the day and took ourselves a trip to that office. And you know what? They let us in! It took 45 minutes start to finish. Whew. Was I ever relieved. I don't know why I was so nervous. I even made an insane amount of cookie dough at 9pm the night before and just had myself a nervous party. :)

I called our officer after our successful printing but got no answer. When, another morning went by and I didn't hear back, I emailed her Wednesday from school. She got back to me very quickly and said that she would be reviewing our home study that afternoon and would be in touch if changes were necessary. Yikes.

Right before church started, I check my phone one more time for an email and what do you know!?! We were approved. 28 hours after fingerprinting and just 21 days after submitting our paperwork!

Amazing.

Wednesday was a pretty great day.

She said "Congratulations!" to us and not only that, she emailed a pdf of our approval notice so we could have it notarized and authenticated immediately. This just does not happen very often and I probably shouldn't even blog about it. Except, it's what God did for us and for several other families whose children have sick hearts. As of this writing, March 10th, the hard copy of the approval will at the earliest, arrive Monday the 12th...5 days after approval has been granted.

That may seem like nothing and in the grand scheme of things, it's not. But to babies who are waiting and mamas who are hurting, it's a whole lot. It just is.

Check out this screen shot from the rumor queen forum...this is a chart of participating families who are waiting for immigration approval...notice the dates at the top. Our final one says that we were 24 days...but it was only 21. A nice guy named Mike puts this together each week. :)

So you can imagine, I hit the ground running on Thursday. We had four docs {including the I-800A approval} that needed to be taken through the various steps of verification and authentication. That meant that I visited several people and places that day to make it happen. Syd, Joel and I rode into the big city that afternoon and finished the last of it.

All of that work, now tidied up...complete with state seals and blue backing. Our entire adoption is at this point, reduced to a stack of neatly processed paperwork. That afternoon, I set to work making copies of everything and getting it all ready for the courier. Our dossier must go to Washington DC to the Embassy of the People's Republic of Chin@ for final authentication and then on to Seattle where WACAP will put it on it's final leg of the journey.

Something HUGE happened Thursday evening, and it deserves a blog post all to itself. So I will save that tidbit ginormous piece of info for another day.

On Friday, I notarized some adoption paperwork for some dear friends {need to post about them too!} and then I headed to the bank to pick up three separate money orders to place inside the giant envelope that held our dossier. Then, I drove across the street to Brown and put it all on the counter. And I took one last picture of it all with my phone. :)

Exhale.

My goodness, was that ever hard. I nearly cried.

Our Thailand dossier was a piece of cake really. We didn't have to do any of the authentications for it. We basically just gathered the documents and sent them on to WACAP. It was authenticated by the Washington Secretary of State...not by our own state's. But this China dossier, this has been a labor of love.

Our love. My love for two little boys.

And today, March 10th, as I tracked our dossier on my phone to see where it was sitting, I missed Seth.

Four months ago today, our beautiful boy went to Jesus. And this morning, the packet of paperwork that was meant for him but destined for another, went to DC. Tears have come quickly for me today. I've tried to stay busy and be grateful. Mountains have crumbled at our feet this week, friends. Big, huge mountains. And it sounds silly, but it still feels like we are walking on the rubble of those mountains toward our little prince. It's seemingly unstable. It hurts my feet and I'm emotionally tired. But I know that I know that I know, that Seth is fine. Somedays, I'm just not. I still just physically hurt for my boy. How I want to touch him. It is more than enough though, to know that Seth is perfect.

And in his place, waits a little prince. One that I absolutely cannot wait to hold and kiss and love. I just cannot wait. I'm so relieved that our dossier is out of my hands. I told my mom, it seemed though, that it was the last part of Seth. Half of those documents were for him...with him in mind and in heart. And now they are gone. We made the decision to have the courier send it directly back to WACAP instead of to us. I didn't want to see them again {or pay twice for them to get where they are going}. I just wanted them to go. And at the same time, I wanted to hold onto them because on some dumb level, it still felt like we were paper chasing for Seth with those documents.

I need to go. The weight of this is getting to me and I don't want to take away from all that the Lord has done this week. I really don't. It's been miraculous. And I can't wait to tell you more very soon.