breezing & dreaming

So I have to say, getting the LOA and news from China about our sweet boy on Sunday, has just catapulted me into the excitement phase. Not that I haven't been excited all along. But honestly, I've just been putting one step in front of the other since we were told about Gabe on January 4th and said "Yes" to him a few weeks later at the end of the month.

Somehow, getting to this point in the process has served to heal my heart all the more concerning Seth. Of course hearing how he died was the biggest help in that area. But this milestone in our adoption is a close second. I finally feel free to just be plumb dumb nutso excited about Gabe. Again, not that I haven't been all along. I have. I have just felt so guarded. Not by choice. I think it's just the human response to loss.

And everyday, I still feel the loss of Seth.

I was telling my mom the other day that I feel like I just need to go to China. :) I need to step off of that plane and be in my sons' birth country. I need to take that place in and let Seth go even more. And I need to take that place in and become even more intertwined with Gabe.

It's a paradox in my mind.

But somehow, I feel like if I can just get there, I'll be okay.

Apart from losing Seth, which is hard to separate but you know what I mean...this process has been an absolute breeze.

You heard me right.

We began in September, took just over two months off to grieve, picked it back up in late January and will likely travel in September of this year.

You can't hardly beat that, y'all.

Absolute breeze.

Sure, it's my second adoption. I'm not a pro by any means, but I'm not a greenie, either.

Process wise, it has not been hard at all. Some days were harder than others. But by and large, it has flown by and been so easy peasy this time. Maybe it's because I knew what to expect. Maybe it's because I was shell shocked by Seth's death and just going through the motions in a way up till now.

For whatever reason though, I'm grateful. You can't really ask for better than a 12 month or less international adoption process. I know it happens sometimes. But it's rare. And I just feel so good about things now.

And I'm really just wanting our boy home these days in a different way. I've always wanted him home. But now, it's like it's okay to want him home TODAY! Does that even make sense? I think of him constantly and with the approval and news from the nurse who cared for him...I'm just on the edge of my seat.

And I'm dreaming about him a lot. 

The morning of June 16th, the Saturday after our LOA was granted by China but we didn't know it yet, I had been awoken mid dream by Joel. He was rubbing my face and I was still dreaming...and incorporating his rubbing into my dream. Do you ever do that? Something is happening in real life and somehow it makes sense in your dream too? Anyway, here was my FB status that morning...

I just met Gabe...he was handed to me and I held him and rubbed his face and told him how loved he was. He just stared at me like he should know me, but didn't yet. I kissed him over and over and he smiled at me. It was perfect. ♥ And then I woke up.

That was the first time I had actually dreamed I was meeting him. I've had a few dreams about him over the months at weird times. But this one got to me. And after the previous Friday with no LOA news {even though we had a HUGE answer to prayer that day!}, I was kinda down because I woke up to reality. A uber sweet reality...the Thai Tornado rubbing my face and willing me out of my sleep. Still, it hurt a little to not be there with Gabe.

I've had a few more since then but none so real. My point being, we've almost made it. We are nearly to  the end of a not too long process to bring our adorable son home. It feels so good, y'all. And I'm not the only one feeling this way.

Joel asks me several times a day,

"Mama, when my baby Gabe coming home?"

"Why can't my baby Gabe come home today?"

"I so ready see him, mama."

"I so uh sited see him, mama."

Joel prayed for Gabe at dinner time a few nights ago. Then, as we began to eat, he asked,

"My baby be born in China and then coming Merica?"

We told him that was right.

"Him gonna be Merican wike me?"

Again, we said yes.

"That so good. Him gonna be Merican. Him need fam-uh-we wike me."

And with that last statement, he had opened his hand and motioned around the table to the other four of us.

Jase looked at me and grinned with watery eyes and then said, "Gabe has to come home soon. I can't take him saying this stuff much longer!"

And it's true. Joel has just been so very sweet about Gabe. So concerned. So in tune. That may all change in a few months! lol. But we see the Lord working in him so clearly. Helping him to understand what is happening to his brother...and what happened to him nearly three years ago. It is most precious.

So today, our I-800 immigration paperwork has been where it needs to be for 8 days. :) And it could take up to another two weeks to process it before the next step. That means I'm breezing through today, y'all. I'm not expecting anything and so I can just be. Of course, if it came early, that'd be okay too! :)