NHBO August

This was my monthly contribution to No Hands But Ours. Recorded here for journaling.

t-minus very soon

August 1, 2012 By nohandsbutours 7 Comments

I typically have a pretty good idea where I’m going with a post here. I mean, it’s only once a month, right? How hard can it be? My slot is usually the first day of each month. So by the week before it’s due, I’ve at least got a jumping-off point. But this time is different. My mind feels fried! And sadly, cohesive thoughts are far and few between!

I consider my small role as a blogger for NHBO to be one as an encourager. Someone to write about things that would spur you on to consider adopting a child with needs, to come along side you who are in the thick of the process and to lift up those of you who have adopted. I try to be intentional and post things that make us think and stretch us to consider others.

But this month?

All I can think about is us.

So forgive my selfish indulgence.

Because friends, we are going to China soon!
We now find ourselves smack dab in the middle of the wait for Travel Approval. Our Article 5 was picked up last week. You China peeps know about that all too well. And so here we are.

T-minus…sometime very soon.

It’s highly likely that I will be on an airplane when September 1st rolls around. Or will have been in country for a week already.

Eeeek.

And the road, while incredibly short for all intents and purposes, has been a beautiful tragedy in so many ways. Being this close to travel, I’m contemplating where we’ve been, what we’ve walked and am able to embrace it in a new way.

We began the process last year for a 13 month old little boy whose special needs were 5 heart defects and a radial club hand. And I should say, by way of encouragement, we began with no money!

Can I get an amen?

But we knew God had spoken. We put 300 red stones in a jar and we trusted Him for provision. Each stone tangibly representing $100.

We were blown away in October by how the Lord was moving stones out of our jar! He was providing in the most amazing ways. We were soaring in our faith.

And then a month later, the call came that we always knew was possible but didn’t want to believe would happen.

We lost our son, Seth, on November 10th. He was in Kunming and due to complications from heart surgery, he died. These were the hardest and darkest days of my life thus far. I just can’t tell you. He would have turned two in July and my heart still aches for him. Our beautiful boy, pictured here just two weeks before he died, was gone.

My husband and I took two months and cried and prayed and struggled to hear from the Lord what His plan could be. How He would bring beauty from our ashes. And in February, we submitted paperwork for our 3rd son, the little prince {as we affectionately called him}. We later named him Gabe.

Gabriel Seth.

Gabe’s heart was sick, but not nearly to the degree as Seth’s was. He had other needs listed as well and while I struggled to let go of Seth…I also struggled to let Gabe in. I pressed on in prayer and day by day, and sometimes minute by minute, The Lord grafted Gabe into me. Into us.

I mean come on. How sweet is this boy?

Forgive me. This post is so self indulgent. I can’t even stand it. Sooo ready to hop on that plane and bring this sweetie home.

I know that our Seth is well. Perfect. Healed and whole. And knowing that our sweet Gabe is just weeks away from leaving all he knows and loves is weighing heavy on me these days. Do you all get that way before travel? I teeter between moments of pure bliss at the thought of holding Gabe for the first time and moments where I’m driven to God in prayer for his little heart that will grieve the loss of his foster family and all that he knows. Some days, many days, it’s just too much.

Because some days, you get something like this unexpectedly in your inbox.

And then your day is shot staring at every detail. Memorizing every feature…again.

We’re so close. So close I can feel it.

And that jar?

The one that represented $30,000? The one that held 300 stones?

It’s empty.

It’s empty, but our hearts are full.

Of love and gratitude and humility for what the Lord has done.

We are t-minus soon.

And that’s just about all we can think about these days.