the day before

So all week I was dreading Gabe's cath on Friday. I have no idea if it was because of all we went through with Seth or because people we've never met were going to insert a device into his heart or if I'm just a total weenie. It quite possibly a combination of all three and more.

I tried to push it out of my mind but it was futile of course. And though I knew that of all heart problems you want to have, a PDA was absolutely the one to have. It's not even a defect. Not one that you're born with anyway. Not like the countless others or the five that Seth had. The PDA is just a little flap thing that is supposed to close at birth or soon after. We've all got one. And the vast majority of ours closed. So it's not a defect. It's just a thing that didn't do what it was supposed to.

His just didn't.

And so we were faced with a heart cath for our sweet little prince. A safe, effective, cure giving heart cath.

But the day before, those things were hard to see for this mama. I teared up once on the phone with mom. And then right before dinner, had the urge to take Gabe outside and snap a million pictures. I know that sounds so dismal. Like I thought he was going to die or something.

The thought had crossed my mind a few times.

A few times...times a thousand. 

I just kept telling Jase that I wanted Gabe to stay with us. Of course. But he reminded me that this must be done. And that it's safe. That it's needed. That it will be okay.

And that it's what we brought him home to do.

It just didn't feel good. Even a little 'ole cath was breaking my heart.

So we went out for five minutes with my camera. I didn't change him into something cute or wipe a few smudges of chocolate off his lips or even reapply lotion to his wintery dry skin. I just took him to the front yard, sat him down and lay in the grass snapping away.

I love the top of his head. I don't know why. It's weird, I'm aware. But I can't help it. The top of his head is so stinkin cute to me. I have one shot of it from Gotcha day. This image is so cool to me because you see Jase signing the paperwork that let us take him with us. It would be the next day before we signed our names and placed our fingerprints on them to officially adopt Gabe. But this shot has the sweet top of his head as Jase completes what's necessary to leave with him.

And here is his little head on heart cath eve. Four months to the day later from when I shot the first one. Quite a change, huh?

It was a task. I've found, it always is photographing Gabe. He's a mover and a shaker. Literally. And when you shoot kids, you need to be on their level. Being on Gabe's level ensures that he's gonna move toward your lap...AKA - his favorite spot to be.

So he kept crawling toward me. And after some lovin', I'd keep moving back.

It's really, REALLY rare to get catchlights in Gabe's eyes. Really rare! His eyes are sooo dark, and pretty tiny. But there they are!  Love this shot of our sweet boy.

My favorite...a true smile and still some sliver of catchlight. Beautiful boy.

After dinner, I bathed him really well as directed. :) And dressed him in footed jammies and let him fall asleep on my chest in our bedroom while Jase popped us some corn. Only I couldn't put him down. I couldn't lay him in his crib. Because I just couldn't let him go.

Jase came in to check on me because I never came out to eat my popcorn. He rubbed my hair and my face in the dark and whispered, "Are you okay?" Up to that point, my silent tears had just been falling, as I kissed my little prince's sweet face while he slept soundly on me. But with Jase there, they gave way to sobs and continued prayers and heart ache for our baby.

Eventually, after a few hours, I lay him down. And fell apart again at his crib. Jase came behind me and held me tight. Reassuring. Always reassuring.

I took something to help me sleep. Then I reluctantly and painfully crawled into bed. 5:15 am would come early and we would be heading to the big city with Gabe to get his heart made right.