The great divide~

So I'm just gonna put this out there and hope for the best. I mean, if you've adopted, and you've had a completely different reaction than I have to what I'm writing here, don't slay me. I'm not trying to be difficult. I'm not even fishing for sympathy {though while in the midst of an adoption, a little sympathy goes a long way. :) }. At the risk of sounding like a total loser, I'm just gonna say it.

Getting updates on your child is so, so hard.

There. I said it.

Are you ready to shoot me through your monitor? Don't do it yet. Hear me out.

The thing is this. We all wait and pray and hope and beg for updates. It's amazing what one {or THREE!} little pictures can do for a person! It's nuts how a simple paragraph about the everyday life of your child can cause your heart rate to shoot up. If you're like me, you anticipate them...

and you dread them.

I learned this with Joel. We received our first update for him in October of '08 after beginning the process in late June. If you have too much time on your hands, you can read about it by clicking here. He had just turned two and the report said that he had been sick a lot lately. He was in and out of the hospital with pneumonia many times during our wait for him. In the video from this update, his breathing was a bit labored. His eyes were puffy and he just looked like he felt terrible. At first, I didn't even notice all of that. I was just so happy to have new pictures and video. But later, after I had watched it several times and reread the report...I just fell apart.

And this is where I was Wednesday. A mere 18 hours after Seth's update. I broke down four different times at school. With about 7 different people. Who must, at this point, think I've lost my mind. But it's no matter. You're allowed to be a little off when your child is halfway around the world, right?

This was the nail in my post adoption update coffin...

The child has blue lips and fingers.

He tends to become tired after activity.

Our sweet Seth, is turning blue. Someone please tell me how, as a mom, to even deal with that well? It just wrecked me. Of course I read it Tuesday afternoon. But by Tuesday night and into Wednesday morning, I found myself in that familiar spot on the living room floor begging God again for our son's little life.

And you know something? It was as much for me as it was for Seth. Y'all, I've never been here before. Feeling so helpless yet having full assurance that God was holding my son. I've never, ever known fear like this. And it's not that I don't believe the Lord will sustain Him. I really, really do. I could be wrong. It may not be His plan. He may be more glorified in something else. I don't think about that really. I put it away. But to imagine Seth's fingers. His lips. Blue. It just crushed me. To picture him learning to walk, wobbling around furniture and having to stop because he's just too exhausted from his heart, breaks mine into a million pieces.

So I called WACAP. And I spoke with Beth. She encouraged us to send the cardiogram to the PC in the big city. Check. Did that yesterday. She mentioned that sometimes families are able to expedite things on the US side but it's much harder on the China side...But always worth a shot if our PC believes he's in grave danger. And then she goes on to say that our process, as far as she can tell, has been "nothing short of miraculous from the beginning."

And with that, God brought me right back to reality. That this was His adoption. That Seth was His creation. That His plan was secure and in place. And that in all things, He is infinitely good.

I haven't lost it since then. I'm feeling a bit better...time in prayer and encouragement from other heart baby families have done a lot to calm my mind and quiet my spirit. We still haven't heard back from the PC...but hopefully soon. All in all, it was a precious gift to see Seth's beautiful face in a new way. To see how full his cheeks are. How dark and bright his eyes are at the same time. To be humbled and reminded of who our God is.

And with all of that, I've found a new mantra. This, my friends, is a worthy saying. Straight from Seth's namesake, Hudson Taylor...

I am no longer anxious about anything, as I realize the Lord is able to carry out His will, and His will is mine. It makes no matter where He places me, or how. That is rather for Him to consider than for me; for in the easiest positions He must give me His grace, and in the most difficult, His grace is sufficient.

Hudson Taylor