Questions...answers III~

So, where were we? I had told my mom, waited forever for PC's to call us back with a prognosis and had been sleeping poorly. That about covers how we left things. I had also been in contact with WACAP to tell them that we had not dropped off the Earth and were still awaiting news from either of the PCs. She was very understanding and went over the process with me as well as the fees. Holy moly, ya'll. I knew it was expensive. I didn't realize how fast it was expensive.

With Joel, WACAP had awarded a subsidy for him {not us, but him} and so our agency fees were drastically reduced since he was a waiting child. When we started for him...we applied, paid for home study, sent off immigration paperwork and were only expected to pay about $2500 over the first few months. Not too bad. But this go around, there was no subsidy, the home study fees have increased in the last three years and well...as soon as our home study is complete and accepted by WACAP, we will have needed to pay just over $7000. This hit me like a ton of bricks. We didn't have it. We barely had what we needed to complete the home study. Like I mentioned a few months ago...we bought a used van to accommodate more littles and demolished a kidney stone with lithotripsy around the same time. We took a major hit by both of those. But both were really necessary so you can't be upset about it. It's just life. The question for me, and particularly for Jase, loomed on...how in the world can we do this?

The short answer to that? We cannot do this.

But He can.

And ya'll, He is! More on that later.

The week drug on with no word from anyone. I told a few friends, I was thinking about that Matchbox 20 song from years ago that went, "I'm not crazy. I'm just a little unwell." That's how I felt. I wasn't nuts. But I wasn't well either. Still hoping for that something from the Lord.

On the morning of Friday the 16th of September, I was about to step into the tub in an attempt to ready ourselves for a sleepover at my parents. We were all meeting for dinner at Mom and Dad's to celebrate Karen's 25th birthday...{Goodness. My sister is 25. Do I ever feel old? I was in the delivery room when she was born. Life is short, short, short.}...and I thought I heard the phone ring. But Friday is Jase's day off and I knew he would get it so I continued to lay out clothes and pack stuff up in the bathroom. I heard him talking and he said, "Thank you so much. I'm going to let you talk to my wife. She has a previous medical background and would understand things much better than I would." I look up and he's pointing to the phone and mouthing to me...

"It's the cardiologist!"

It was actually the second one, from THE group everyone raves about. He apologized over and over that it had taken so long for them to get back to us. He and a partner were both given the files to review and then to determine if they agreed on the findings. As it turns out, they both did agree and each thought the other was calling. He was so, so nice. And get this. Neither of them believe there is any reason to think he has the genetic disorder! He said it wasn't even on his radar as a possibility. Music to our ears! He also said that this sweet baby boy has a sick, sick heart. But that it is totally treatable if we can get him home in time. He felt like we would begin to see drastic complications by age three and if he came home and had the repair before then, that he would have a 90% survival rate with a relatively normal life. Amazing. Simply amazing. He also said that our little guy's anatomy is very straight forward. So the repair would be text book. He believes that his hand/arm malformation and heart defects are definitely related. But would need further testing here to determine that.

And then, he gave me his private email address so that when I had more questions or was given a new medical update {the one we have is from November 2010}, I could just message him directly and not have to go through all of the other time consuming channels in order to get answers. Again, so nice of him.

I came out of the room and told Jase everything. We were both very encouraged. The only thing that stood in our way was the money. And though we know our God is rich {!}, we didn't know what course we were to take. We talked a lot over the next few days. Jase shared with me that he didn't believe that God had obligated Himself to us in this matter. Meaning, that if we started the adoption {even though God loves the orphan and His Word mandates that we care for them} ...if God wasn't leading us to it and we began without being obedient...God may or may not provide. This seems hard to hear. Why wouldn't God provide? But I see his point. I've known many people who truly felt they had a vision {not a literal one but figurative} or calling to do something for the Lord or for His people and while it was a good thing, even a great thing, God didn't provide the means to see it through. Or He chose not to let those individuals finish. There could be countless reasons for that...it could be consequences or lack of faith or even because it just wasn't His plan. We know that His plans will not, cannot, be thwarted.

So we knew we had to seek Him. Jase told me that he needed something from the Lord. He wasn't sure what that something was. He said that he had been praying for God to give him the assurance that we were not walking out into this ahead of the Lord but that we were acting in accordance with His will for our lives and for that of this baby boy. So we left and went to my parents feeling good about the phone call and apprehensive {me} about whether or not that something was coming our way.

On Monday the 19th, I woke up feeling crummy. And even a little miffed. Not at Jase but at the situation. I hadn't slept well at all and I just wanted to know that we could bring him home. That morning at 7:40, I'm rushing to put on my makeup {we leave at 7:50 for school on M/W} and Jase came up from behind and put his arms around me. He asked if I was okay and the tears started to fall. I told him that I was not okay. That this was tearing me up. But that I knew I needed to be on the same page with him. I don't ever want to be the wife who manipulates her husband. I don't want to be in front of him pulling him along or behind pushing him. I want to walk right beside him...letting Him lead. Submission is beautiful. And I so wanted that. I want to follow hard after my husband because I know he is following hard after Jesus. But at the same time, I wanted to jump in with both feet and say "YES!!! We will go get this beautiful boy and we will love him and care for him and take him to wherever he needs to go to be made well!" But the something had not come from the Lord and like Tara encouraged me to do, I needed to "lay this down". He held me while I cried and told me that he was still waiting on the Lord. I washed my face, reapplied makeup {lol} and left for school.

That afternoon, I emailed WACAP and told them that we had finally heard back from the cardiologists and that we were still praying about moving forward for him. Once we knew what we were supposed to do, I would be in touch with her. I also asked her to check whether or not he was on the shared list. She got back to me and said that he was still there. And other than that bit of news...Monday was a really hard day.

Sorry...this is too long. The huge God part hasn't even happened yet. Stay tuned.

To be continued~