You've got questions...we've got answers~

So, that's not completely true. But several of you have asked questions...and we've got a few answers, just not all of them. We are hoping to have more soon. At this point, I just thought I'd share some background and share more when things are a tad more official. I will do this over several days because my goodness, it's already a really long story. :)

The background is, that I've always wanted to go to China for a son. In theory anyway. That's no secret. And when we jumped on that road toward Joel over three years ago, we actually were on it to China. Well, relatively speaking. But God led us away from there and instead to Thailand where our Tornado was. Man oh man, I'm sure glad he did. I mean, how in the world could we not have Joel? Nope. He's our son and that is that. So, in all things, the Lord knows best and Joel was best for us and we were best for him. Nuff said on that.

And as I've mentioned here before, I tried my darndest to head back to Thailand but earlier this year, Jase and I both sensed that we weren't to do that. And China was our most logical option for a second son. We were only considering Asia...Thailand was out. South Korea was out {you can only adopt healthy children from SK in our state.} Taiwan was out because it's so darn expensive and is really only a birth mother program with our agency at this point. These are the top three other programs that we could consider. I'm sure there are more. But this was our thinking in regards to these other Asian countries.

In May, a blogger that I follow and her family received the devastating news that their daughter in China had died just weeks before they would be able to travel and receive her. This family handled their tragedy with grace upon grace. The Lord was so evident in her posts and I just wept for her. This little beauty's special need was multiple heart defects. It sounds so flippant to say, but this just wrecked me. I mean, I don't know this blogger in real life. But we have exchanged a few emails and I just love her heart. Her spirit resonates with my spirit that she is a believer and I hurt for her as a sister in Christ. I couldn't get this sweet baby girl out of my mind and what I kept coming back to was this...

All children deserve a home and a family and to be loved and touched and told they have infinite worth to a beautiful and loving God. This is paramount. And we all know it. This is what motivated us to adopt in the first place. To defend the cause of the fatherless. To be used of God to set the lonely in families. Love, touch, food, shelter...These are needs that must be met for them to have any semblance of true life.

But before they can enjoy all of that, they have to live.

To live.

And what are we talking about here? We're talking about surgery. A stinkin' surgery. I mean, if any one of my children needed open heart surgery, they'd have it tomorrow. Or this afternoon even. But these babies? These beautiful babies languish in orphanages waiting.

Waiting for worth to be assigned to them.

Waiting for someone to come.

Waiting for treatment or surgery or medicine.

Waiting for life.

Or at least the chance of life. And so I began to toss and turn and have nightmares and become altogether consumed with heart babies and the fact that they didn't have to die. I started to look at China's shared list which shows hundreds upon hundreds of children who need to be adopted. There are no pictures or lengthy profiles. It's just their number on the list, birthdate, sex, special need, and length of time on the list. And you wanna know what this list is riddled with? You guessed it. Heart babies. Among other things of course. But the shear number of children who have heart issues in China is overwhelming to me.

On August 22nd, I was again pouring over the shared list. I got to the 400's and told myself, I have to quit. I can't keep doing this...reading over and over about little boys especially who need moms and dads and homes and love and life to be granted to them. I didn't talk to Jase much about it and really kept it to myself mostly. Which I could tell was beginning to affect me. I had been compiling a list in an email to WACAP about several little boys. All either had heart defects or limb differences. I would toggle back and forth from the list to the email...copying and pasting information so that I could inquire about these precious boys. I decided to finish out the 400's and then call it a night. And there he was.

482.

I read about this little boy and my heart sank deep in my chest. He had five {FIVE!} congenital heart defects and a malformed right arm. I couldn't believe it. A young boy with an arm like Tara's Max and five heart defects.

Could he be our son?

At this point, I panicked. None of the other little boys that I had approached Jase about from Thailand were our son. And I was gun shy to say the least. I mean, Jase is so practical and pragmatic and I know he must think I'm nuts most of the time! So the thought of approaching him with this scared me some. Not that he would be mad. Or even upset. But just that he would feel pressure. I never want him to feel pressure from me. And I was afraid that it may come across as pressure since I've never asked him to consider a child who is going to die without intervention. So I saved the email as a draft and didn't even send it.

Until the next day! Ha. We all know I couldn't help it, don't we? Yes, we do. I told Jase that I was asking about some boys in China with heart defects with one in particular that I wanted to really know more about. And I had emailed that draft which included seven boys from China's shared list...all with heart defects or limb differences. And one, with both. :) The case worker got back to me and said that she can only send four files at a time. And since number 482 was at the bottom of my list, when a reply email came the next day, he wasn't included in it.

I read through each profile and saw pictures of each little boy. They were all sweet. All in need of a family. But none of them were ours and I knew it. On the 25th, I emailed WACAP back to ask about the next set of boys from my initial message and told them that we weren't interested in any of the first three boys. Which really means me, because I didn't share any specific information about this first set of boys with Jase. I wasn't keeping it from him. But in our marriage, on things like this, I'm responsible for leg work. And well, this was leg work. I saw no need in opening a can or worms when we weren't sure we wanted a can of anything. I thought it better to ask, and read and see before I brought up this little boy. I stand by that decision. It wasn't in secret that I told WACAP "no" to the first set. It may come across that way. He knew I was inquiring but I was honestly just trying to be wise and get the facts before opening up a discussion about anything more. Because the truth is, I was already feeling very led to him and I needed more information before I asked Jase to really consider it. And I still didn't have his file in my hands.

The next day, a Friday, I was on the phone with Tara. It was around 6:45 and I needed to go because we were hosting our monthly young adult fellowship at 7. She asked before we got off the phone if I had heard from WACAP about the boys. I told her that I hadn't and that I was a tad disappointed because it was Friday and that meant that it would be at least Monday before I got news about 482. As we were hanging up, I got the email. I told Tara that I would look at it speedy quick and send her a picture. We were both curious about his arm/hand since Tara's son Max has the same condition.

I opened the attachments and made my way through them. Each time, I'd look to see if it was him...skim the profile and medical records, glance at the pictures. No, that's not him. Finally, I looked at the last one and instantly knew. It honestly was the same reaction I had to Joel. Which scared me to death. I couldn't wait to talk to Jase. But by then, I could hear the chatter of guests in our home and knew that it would have to wait for several hours.

To be continued~