Okay. Never better.

I'm sitting in Madison, AL right now. Watching out a window as my babies throw the football with their dad and uncle Brent. It's been a long morning of travel. Not that four hours of driving is too long. But that it's a dreary, ugly day and my thoughts stay on sweet Seth. I see Kennedy has given up the football for dancing in the backyard. Brent is showing Sydney something and Jase throws the ball without them looking. It's funny and I can smile. But nothing about it makes me want to join in.

I absolutely hate this.

It's only been six days that we've known. And I know that there are harder and sadder days ahead. I don't want to get over Seth. At all. I just hope I can feel better this week. It's Thanksgiving and I'm so thankful for this little boy who stole our hearts. Thankful for a wonderful husband who is dropping everything at any moment to hold me and cry with me. Thankful for parents and siblings who are grieving with us. Thankful for Jesus and this sweet salvation. It's Thanksgiving week and I don't want to bring my family down.

Joel just ran through the living room where I'm sitting, heading to get yet another ball, and as he passed by yelled..."Hi MOM!!!". That right there is enough to catapult me out of this funk. But it just doesn't. I know for the sake of my babies, and my wonderful Jase {who is 38 today!}, I need to figure out a way to be okay. I know it's a process. It's a long process sometimes. I've just got to find a way through it...clinging to Jesus every step of the way.

I'm sure I will post more about Seth from time to time but am going to try to let this be my last post about him for a while. It has to be healthy to purge all of this stuff and forgive me, vomit all of these words and feelings. But it also twirls around in my head too much and helps me to stay sad. After I wrote the Grace upon grace post, I honestly felt better. It was good to work it out. And so I hope to fill you all in on things from Monday on and then just be done with sad posts for a while. If that's possible.

I think I neglected to say before, that last Monday, one of Joel's preschool teachers came and pulled me aside at school and told me that Joel kept saying his heart hurt. Of course, I had no idea about how our lives would change in a mere few hours from then and no knowledge at that point of our Seth being gone. I kind of chuckled and told her that I think Joel was taking on our infirmities lately. He had complained of his back hurting the weekend before when Jase struggled so with his awful back spasms. And now, his heart was hurting probably because we beg God daily to heal Seth's heart. I think it's telling that God had already answered our prayers for healing perfectly. Maybe Joel was hurting because of what was coming. What a precious son we have.

Tuesday I woke up with great relief. I was so sure the whole thing was a nightmare. But reality came and slapped me square in the jaw. I got up around 9 and got going hard and heavy on schooling the girls. Staying busy, pushing through. At 11:30, the pediatric cardiologist's office called. They had drawn up papers to expedite Seth's adoption and said that they would do whatever they could to help us get him home asap. I feel so guilty. I completely lost it on the phone with them. The ugly wailing cry came over me and they felt terrible. Likewise, so did I. I thanked them though and told them that if we decided to walk this path again, with another heart baby, that we would for sure be calling them. They were so apologetic.

Wednesday at school was hard. I knew it would be. Jase said I could stay home but going seemed better. Keep busy. Get it over with. I cried all day as friend after friend would come and hug me, tell me of their prayers for us and just grieve with me. We had ordered prayer cards for Seth a few weeks ago and many of the teachers {and our friends and family} had them. Syd had taken some to school and her class had been lifting him up. Her teacher came to me and told me that Sydney had told her classmates what had happened. She said that my baby girl broke down in sobs about her brother and that all of the children just naturally got up and came around her and held her and rubbed her. Even those silly third grade boys who tease her and steal her snack and cause her grief came and just wanted to touch her. Syd's teacher said it was just precious.

Wednesday afternoon was so hard. The mail came {obviously} and in it was a charm that I had ordered to wear during our wait for Seth. Some of you know that I wore a glass pendant with Joel's picture in it for 10 months before we traveled to Thailand. And when we met him, he just stared at it and rubbed it. This time, I wanted to do something different. I had won a gift card to a place called "The Vintage Pearl" back in April and couldn't decide what to get. A few weeks ago, it hit me and I chose a charm from there for Seth. It was perfect. Exactly what I wanted. My son's name hand stamped with a small heart dangling above it. I loved the symbolism. Him around my neck. He in my heart as I prayed so hard for his to be well. I'm so sad that I will never have the opportunity to wear it and show him my small token of love in this way. It was neat for Joel...and he will have those pendants {there were actually three different ones} when he is older.

By Thursday morning, my mom was calling to let me know that her litter of miniature schnauzer puppies was on it's way and that my services were needed. I guess a few years of working in Labor and Delivery somehow translates into puppy delivery too. :) Actually, I was happy to do it for her. When I agreed, it was two months ago and so there was no way to know what would be going on in our lives at this time. It was bad timing and good timing. A good distraction {though they had all been born before I actually made it down there and mom did great!}...but hard to leave the solace of our own home too. Mostly, over the last six days, I've just wanted to stay in my own bed. In my comfy clothes and no make up or pretense. But that's just not possible.

We came home Friday night to a mailbox full of cards. Such sweet people. Hurting with us. We also have received a beautiful vase of flowers and potted roses. Aren't they lovely?

I planted the roses yesterday with the help of Joel who knew that someone had given them to us in honor of Seth. I stood up and looked down on them and wept. Seeing the leaves from our maple trees that had fallen weeks ago, now brown and crackly surrounding these beautiful roses. I thought of our Seth and how though all around him seems like death, he is alive. Joel watered them in and said,

"Hey wook, mama! Beautiful! Seth wike these roses won't he?"

"I sure hope so baby."

At that moment, I was overcome and simply begged God to tell Seth about us. To place him in His big lap and tell him that his mama and daddy, his sisters and brother, aunts, uncles, grandparents and friends love him so so much. It seems so crazy. I have no idea if God would or should do that or if it's even completely inappropriate to ask Him to. It's one of the many irrational things I've done and said and prayed and thought this week.

Irrational things like...

It must be a mistake. It was another little boy that died. {as if that makes a difference at all.}

The foster parents must have decided to adopt him, so they just told us that he was dead so we couldn't have him and they could.

I want to know things that don't matter.

Did he die in surgery? Maybe he was on the table and all went bad. At least they were trying to help him.

Was it an accident? A car accident? An injury?

Was he asleep when his heart gave out? Or was he toddling around and collapsed?

Did he hurt? Was he scared?

Was anyone holding my baby and stroking his black hair? Whispering how beautiful and loved he was as he slipped from here to there?

Where did they put him? Were any words spoken about his precious life?

I close my eyes in a daydream and I see Seth running around Heaven. Not tired. Not blue. No restrictions. With a right arm and hand that are whole and a perfect heart. But I open them and his lifeless body is all I see. Why God? Why did no one help our baby? Why is he gone? Is it so that we will trust you more? We do Lord, we are trusting you for our very breath. Or so that you would be glorified? We know you are Jesus. We see it in people's faces. So that others would see that the Gospel is so evident in the adoption of orphans...and be compelled and driven to live out James 1:27? We believe that they will be.

Jesus, whatever your reason or reasons, we rest in them. Knowing that they are not to harm us or Seth. Believing that in all things, you are infinitely good. Trusting you to heal our hearts like you did his. Longing to be where you are and he is.

Joel has had an incredible grasp on all of this. Better than I do really. The other night, as I was reluctantly decorating our Christmas tree, Joel sat on the hearth of the fireplace and picked up a Christmas book. He asked, "I read you a book mama?" I agreed.

"Once upon a time, I had a baby bruh-wer. And once upon a time, he died. Once upon a time, he had a sick heart. And once upon a time, Jeshus make it all be-wer."

I looked down at him with my eyes welled up and he assured me again, that Seth was okay. He does have his times of questioning. Last night when I put him to bed he told me,

"I want see him mama. I want see my baby Seff."

"I know baby. Me too."

"What happened mama? What happened my baby Seff?"

"I don't know baby. God wanted to fix Seth's heart in Heaven instead of here."

"Why mama?"

"I'm not sure baby."

He has a saying, "Okay! Never better!" Anytime Joel falls down, or bumps his head or stumps his toe he always quickly says, "Okay! Never be-wer!" And this was Joel's answer to his own question. My finite mind can't figure out the why of Seth's death. But Joel looked at me with all sincerity and said, "Jeshus make Seff okay, never be-wer!"

And that's good enough for me too.