my confession

So this past Sunday, we took our sweet Gabe to church for a bit! I was just dying to go. I need it so badly and just standing in the back of our worship center and singing to the Lord was so needed. We were made to worship. And while it's for Him alone...we desperately need it too. It's been weeks since I've worshipped with my church family. Gosh, it's been a few weeks since we attended church in China and that was the last time I've been...because you just have to take things slow after an adoption. You can't just throw your kid into your life and expect them to gel. It takes time. And the goal is to make them as comfortable as possible with whatever means necessary for a while. But I needed worship. I needed to sing. And hear my pastor open the Word of God. I needed to be with God's people. All of that sounds so "me centered." Really, me centered. It's just that worshippers are fed and nourished and sanctified by God in worship. We crave it because it's who we are. We are worshippers.

But there's a problem for me.

I'm just gonna lay something out there. Don't  hate me for it. I'm not fishing for sympathy. Promise. But I realized this a few days ago and so I thought I'd share here for my babies who will hopefully birth babies and adopt babies one day.

Here goes.

Adding a child to your family, by birth or adoption, is one of the most amazing experiences a mama can hope for in this life.

But it is the most spiritually draining experience this mama has ever known. Four times. 

That sounds so trite. So selfish. And not at all God honoring. Sadly, it's just true for me.

When Kennedy was born, I hit my lowest point in my walk with Christ. Looking back on it still fills me with emotion. With Syd, I was merely surviving as mama to a two year old and a newborn...and we were in the process of a move to a new state/job/church. When Joel came home, he struggled so much with anger...tantrums, meltdowns where he hit, kicked and bit {Sydney mostly} and had to be physically held still 6-8 times a day for 30 minutes in "Time In" with me.

In all three instances, my walk suffered. Here I was enjoying the blessing of these beautiful children, yet I felt so far from the Lord. I'm sure exhaustion and fear of failure played a huge role. Eventually, you hit your stride, sleep returns and you connect with Him again like you're longing to.

Enter Gabe.

Our sweet, sweet baby who has completely wrecked my heart. Lord, how nuts I am over this boy! But again, I find myself floundering spiritually. Which seems ridiculous after the amazing ways God has worked in our lives this year. Believe me, I know how stupid this sounds. I am so grateful to the Lord for His goodness. So humbled that He would choose us for Gabe. Yet at the end of the day, I am wiped out physically and emotionally and that always affects me spiritually.

So I'm praying. But not like I want to. I'm reading. But not regularly. I want to again be awoken in the middle of the night to pray for others and for my first thought of the day to be that I need to grab His Word. I want to put my neighbor above myself and to not feel like I'm still in survival mode.

I'm just not there yet. 

I've been feeling really crummy about that, too. Which may be conviction...or even the enemy. Sometimes, it's hard for me to tell the difference right away. But I do know that my God is patient. I know that He knows how I love Him. And more than ever, I'm convinced of His love for me.

Tonight at dinner, Jase had just finished reading another portion of Acts with our kids and Joel piped up and asked if the God in the Bible was real. We all just sat kind of stunned.

Jase :: "Of course He is real, buddy."

Joel :: "He love us even when we mess up?"

Jase :: "YES! He loves us no matter how much we mess up!"

We went on to tell him that we love him that way too...that no matter what he does, he is our son and we will always love him no matter how he messes up.

Joel seemed really happy and relieved with that answer. Sweet boy. I think that word was for me tonight as well. The Lord suffers long and loves His people with an everlasting love. That does not diminish my need to seek Him. But it goes a long way to helping me as I reconnect with Him again.

And after church Sunday, after Gabe inhaled a baggie full of Golden Grahams cereal during worship  and we had to leave because he was becoming a distraction during the sermon...we came home and went out in the front yard. I was happy to have him all to myself with my camera since Jase and the kids were still in worship. A mini session was in order, his first since coming home {those pictures coming soon}, and after just 40 minutes at church, my heart was full.

So we headed out and I snapped away at him. For about 2 minutes. And then Gabe decided that he just wanted to crawl up in my lap. And slobber on my face. And hug my neck. Nothing else would do. He just needed his mama. Not fussing, or sick or even cranky. Not even really wanting anything from me. He was just needing to be close to me. So his mini shoot turned into a challenge for me to try and capture some images of he and I by myself while I reveled in the fact that he was here safe and sound, for good.

My camera is heavy. And I have since learned that holding it steady in one hand while pressing the button with one of the five fingers on that hand is nearly impossible. But I wanted to try. And though I failed miserably at getting images that are noteworthy or technically correct...I love these. Because they are a representation of what I'm learning and walking through right now.

That despite anything else going on, it's always good when your son loves you and wants to climb in your lap to be loved. Mine is most definitely open for him. And the Lord's is no doubt open for me.

Then Jesus said, “Come to me, all of you who are weary and carry heavy burdens, and I will give you rest.Take my yoke upon you. Let me teach you, because I am humble and gentle at heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy to bear, and the burden I give you is light.” Matthew 11:28-30