fightings and fears

So halleluyer.

I'm back online. For three days {THREE days}, our Internet has been touch and go. And it's making me kinda nuts. And our satellite receiver went kerplunk kerplooey in the bedroom and some blue wire came loose in the land line box outside that caused us to loose our phone service for a day. {We have to keep a land line because our cell service is blocked by our roof...} But my freshly vacuumed and mopped floors didn't mind at all that our services were down. Because of it, they got some overdue attention with the taking down of Christmas decor and inevitable dust bunnies that found a home in every nook and cranny of our house.

All three of these are bundled with the same provider. And yes, all three have been down this week. Sufficed to say, I am oh so grateful that we have scheduled cable to come and change our TV programming and Internet this weekend. Goodbye DSL, hello Comcast. And good riddance Dish, hello Comcast. We've dealt with you for 8 looong years and too many phone calls to count this week alone. By changing these two indulgences, our family will save $100 a month and hopefully have better service to boot.

Those were my fightings.

Nuff said on that.

Now for the fears. 

I have to tell y'all. I'm such a weenie. A complete and utter weenie. Because I'm kinda wiggin' out that Gabe is having a heart cath next Friday. Actually, I'm fine with him having it.

He has to have it. 

The cardiologist {whom I love} confirmed China's findings that Gabe has an unclosed PDA and that it must be corrected because blood is regurgitating back into his lungs. He's okay of course, or we would have proceeded sooner. We have known from day 1 that he would need a heart cath. We've also known what a huge blessing a cath is over open heart surgery like Seth was looking at and which he ended up dying from due to complications.

So I know it's a relatively easy peasy procedure. Other parents have contacted me and said how great it was for their children. Our cardiologist assures me that Gabe's anatomy is perfect and it will be a "straight forward" repair. He will likely go home that night and by the next day, show no signs whatsoever of having had anything done at all.

But he's our baby.

And I'm scared.

The kids voted for the Book of Job this week as our next Bible book to read through during family worship time. The first chapter, though I've read it countless times before, wrecked me. And afterward, I went to the tub...always my first retreat haven...grabbed my iPhone to read Piper's devotional for that day. Guess what it was?

Job.

I'm just weary of the wait to get this over with. So many parents deal with so much more. I'm not at all comparing myself or Gabe's needs to theirs. Maybe my faith is weak and the Lord is using this time to build it. To further fasten my hopes on Him alone. To teach me again and again, that He is enough. That His sovereignty can be trusted.

But I know that so much of my life has been easy. Because of that, I fear that one day, unexpectedly maybe, that perpetual rug of easiness will be yanked out from under me. And I just don't want it to be now. Or him.

January 4th.

Exactly four months to the day since we placed out fingerprints in red over our names and thus made Gabe one of us forever, he will have his heart fixed.

In the meantime, I'm praying that these fightings and fears in me will be stilled. And that I'm truly able to surrender them both to Him.

Just as I am, though tossed about
With many a conflict, many a doubt,
Fightings and fears within, without,
O Lamb of God, I come, I come.