Headwind? :: Part II

*Spoiler alert!! Long post. Just need to get it out and journaled for my babies. You're welcome to read...but it's gonna be a while! :) *

So it's been a week since my Part I and I'm still not ready to write this one. I'm not sure why that is. My heart is full and my mind is swirling with things I want to say and others that I can't yet. I know this though...Jase came home to me despite the headwind. Praise the Lord. I do believe that in part the some things I mentioned in Part I were just that. Headwind.

Midway through his trip, despite an x-ray clearing him to travel, Jase passed another LARGE stone. Evidently, it was floating around in his bladder the whole time. It had been causing him lots of grief up till that point and we were thinking he actually had a UTI. He managed to get his hands on some antibiotics {you gotta love Costa Rica!} but the culprit was a stone half the size of all the previous fragments combined. Ouch. Once it was out, he was a new man. Praise the Lord.

So, my man's plane didn't plunge into the Gulf of Mexico or anything. But he did have to deal with this thing while he was there. I never had a gut feeling one way or the other as to why I didn't want him to leave. I just knew that for some reason, to a greater degree than usual, I had a bad feeling about him going. That must have been it. Stupid headwind. Stupid stone.

There's more to the whole Costa Rica headwind thing. But I'll wait on that for another day. Needless to say though, our God is good. The bigger issue with my personal headwind is adoption. And timing. And finances. And well, Jesus.

I've wanted to adopt again since we walked off that airplane with Joel back on September 25, 2009. I remember thinking to myself, "I'm so tired. But we've got to do this again." The next several months were a mix of triumph and setback. Joel loved us. He trusted Jase {as much as he could under the circumstances} almost immediately. He seemed happy and more settled all the time. On the flip side, Joel struggled with tantrums and temper and stomach issues. We all got through it together. The five of us. I had some bruises and Syd had several bite marks to prove it! But we hung in there and loved him through his struggle. In the end {which is still just the beginning}, 22 months later, our Joel is a complete joy. There isn't a day that goes by that Kennedy doesn't say, "I love you, Joel! You're the cutest little boy in the world!" Sydney is the same. Though she and Joel butt heads more than he and Kennedy...she plays with him and laughs with him and gets into mischief with him. The three of them are truly siblings. Deep, mad love between them. So even when things were hard with Joel early on, I still kept telling myself that we just had to do it again.

I'm such a dork. Ya'll know that. It doesn't take much to reel me in. I'm on the mailing list for WACAP and twice I've found myself in love with little boys from Thailand who need a mama and a daddy. The first, we'll call {S}. It was just too soon after Joel came home. He was in the same orphanage {TRC} as Joel was. But only six months younger. We went back and forth for nine months about him. WACAP felt we were a good match for him. As of August 2010, the TRC was aware that we were somewhat interested in {S} and would have approved us moving forward. But Jase was unsure that's what we should do.

I journaled about him on and off for seven months. Just in case he was ours...I wanted to put my thoughts and feelings down for him. On September 13, 2010, I wrote my last entry.

Jase and I sat tonight and had a long talk. I didn’t know how to start but decided to tell him about the email and that the update was on its way. I don’t know why I’m hesitant to bring it up to him. Maybe I’m just afraid it isn’t going to happen and I’m guarding my heart. He’s been so kind and supportive and honest. Honestly saying that he’s just not sure at this point.

I ended up breaking down and telling him about my time tucking Joel into bed tonight. How he rubbed my face and said, “mama go night night with dad?” and me saying, “that’s right, my boy!” and he then said, “Joel go night night in my room?” and me saying again, “yep! that’s right!” Then, he rubbed his comforter...that soft Pottery Barn Kids comforter that my parents bought for him two Christmases ago before he was ever home, and said, “Joel’s room! All mine!” Of course I agreed that it was his room and hugged and kissed his beautiful face 438 times over the span of a few minutes.

But I was struggling to tell Jase about it. Crying too hard. About how Joel knows he’s home. He absolutely knows that he’s one of us. And {S} doesn’t. He will go to sleep on a mat on the floor today. He will have nothing to call his own. Not even a toy...much less a bed or a room or a family. And this breaks my heart. I love, love, love this little boy. I want him to have us more than I want us to have him. That sounds so pious, I know. I’ve just seen the change in our son. I’ve watched him become ours. He wasn’t for months. He always was to us. But not to him. It took a while for him to realize that we weren’t going anywhere and he wasn’t going anywhere.

And I just want to scoop {S} up and walk him down that path to knowing. Knowing that he belongs. Knowing he is loved and wanted and precious.

Jase said that maybe his heart wasn’t in the right place and maybe mine was. He held me and let me cry and was altogether wonderful. Still, it may not be that {S} is ours. And I really hope we know sooner than later. Because this is just about to do me in. But I know that our God is good. In all things. So, we will pray and seek and trust. And just wait to see what He says~

{S} was not our son. Somehow, down deep, I knew that. The process and loss of {S}, if you can call it that, taught me several things. First, I can trust my God and my husband. Both love me unconditionally and at the end of the day, they are trustworthy. I can bank on it. Second, it's okay to be drawn to orphans and want to do something to change their circumstances even if you're not the one who will parent them. And third, energy spent loving children from afar and praying for them to be chosen and loved and grafted into a family is not time wasted. {S} now has a family waiting for him and for that, I'm so grateful.

It wasn't long after that journal entry in September of '10, that I knew we weren't going to pursue {S}. I was able to walk away knowing that the Lord was leading Jase and I could follow him. But earlier this year, I got an email about another little boy in Thailand. It said that they knew we were open to special needs like his {and Joel's} and wanted to know if we would consider stepping forward for him. We'll call him "Patt." He was also at the TRC. Beautiful little boy. Small. Still in the cribs at the TRC. The same cribs that we have pictures of Joel in. I was smitten, friends. SMIT-TEN. Again, I journaled. And this is how it all unfolded.

Monday, 2.28.11

So I'm sitting at my Mac answering emails. Jase comes in from work and sits down with me upstairs. I see one from Show Hope and since there's a new video on it, I open it. I'm a sucker for videos of Asian kiddos. Can't get enough of 'em. Honestly, it's like a sickness! lol. I just love to see these sweet babies and hope that their families find them soon.

Anyway, I click it and Jase and I begin to watch...and laugh. It's a video of {mostly} this cutie patootie little boy in China singing a Justin Bieber song. Now you know we love us some JB in this house! Joel hears it playing and comes up to sit in my lap and watch. He points to the little boy on the screen and says, "Him like me!". Now I don't for one minute believe that Joel knew that little boy was an orphan. I do believe though, that he knew they looked alike. He notices Asian people all the time and he's drawn to them. There's no doubt. After it was over, he wanted to play it again and again. Sweet boy.

Wednesday, 3.2.11

So I'm trying to talk to Kennedy's teacher, Kelly, today at school about a shower for my bestie, Tara whose boy is coming home soon from Thailand. We got interrupted a little because Tara came back from class and well, you can't plan with her sitting there! lol. But Kelly began to talk to me about adoption and asked if we would ever do it again. I shared with her that I would love to...I think! ha. No, really. I would absolutely love to add another child to our home. But there is always so much to consider...money, how it will affect the kids, money, decisions about where and when, money and to be perfectly honest...money. We spoke for 25 or 30 minutes though about it.

I told her about last night and how Joel was enamored with the little boy in the Show Hope video. I also shared with her about a little boy {S} in Thailand who stole my heart last year. I first saw him in February of 2010 in a waiting child photolisting from WACAP. At that point, Joel had not even been home six months and when I talked to Jase about {S}, he looked at me like I'd been smoking something. Long story short, in August of 2010, {S} was still waiting for a family. WACAP emailed me again to ask if we were interested. Jase was distant about the prospect but said it would be okay if WACAP inquired for us with the TRC during their visit that month. They came back with new pictures and video and said that Vo {social worker there} was in favor of the match should we decide to move forward. Jase felt no peace about it whatsoever. And while I was sad, and very weepy over it, I knew down deep that my husband was right. {S} was not our son.

I trust Jase implicitly. He follows the Lord and I follow Jase. {Of course I follow the Lord, too. But you know what I'm saying.} I knew that he was doing the right thing by saying no. And since that time, 6-7 months ago, I've not approached Jase about another child because WACAP hasn't approached us about one. Not that that's what has to happen. It just wasn't on my radar. Until today.

I'm driving home with the kids after school and we are just a few hundred yards from home. My Blackberry ding dongs with an email and at the light right by our house, I look to see who it's from. WACAP. The waiting child manager specifically.

My heart sank as I thought, "I don't want to do this again. I don't want to become attached to a picture and a story and start to believe this could be our son." But I went in the house and upstairs to the computer to open the email. And let me just say, this little boy {P}, is downright adorable. He looks so little in the crib. Standing up, but so small. I look at the four pictures and Jase walks in.

"Hey babe, how are you?" he asks.

"Well, I'm dying."

"Why?" and he walks over to my Mac and sees the picture and says, "Oh. Who's this?"

I tell him about the email from Jo and how it said that we were a Thailand family who had expressed interest in children with respiratory issues. Then we read his medical report and are heartbroken for his birthmom and moved by his story. I nervously look back at my hubs with that question written all over my face. He said, "We can pray about him." I think I yelled, "REALLY?" "Yeah. Let's just pray and see where God leads us."

So of course I kinda start to freak out a bit inside. Wondering 1) how we would do all of this again? 2)How we would afford it. 3)What if we were wrong? 4)Do I have it in me? The answers are:

1) I have no idea.

2) No, but God knows how.

3) We wouldn't be if God called us to it...and He has told us that He loves the orphan.

4) No, I don't have it in me. Nothing good lies within me except for Jesus. And He is more than enough.

So there. That's where I'm at today. There.

Thursday, 3.3.11

I got an email from Jo at WACAP today about {P}. She asked if we would be willing to complete a questionaire for the staff to take to Thailand next week. I had a lump in my throat. I didn't want to even ask Jase. I didn't want to seem pushy or manipulative. Still, I brought it up. And my fears were unfounded. He said of course, since they were going to be visiting the TRC soon, it made good sense to fill out the questionaire and let them take it. Whew. What was I afraid of? My husband is the nicest man in the world. He's never so much as raised his voice to me. But I'd rather die than hurt him or even aggravate or nag him. His answer kinda took me by surprise. I speedy quick filled that joker out and emailed it right back to WACAP.

Saturday, 3.5.11

I'm upstairs at the computer {again} and Joel comes to sit in my lap as is his normal practice. I love that he does this! {except when I'm editing a session and then it's hard.} But usually he comes up and sits with me and rubs my face and wants to see his Thailand videos or home movies of his birthday or Christmas. Today though, he asked to see the "little boy"...{P}. It went like this:

Joel: "Mama, I want see little boy picture."

So I open one and he smiles sheepishly. He said, "That Joel?"

Me: "No silly! That's not joel!"

Joel: "Where's Joel?"

So I opened the same exact type picture of Joel in those stainless steel cribs. We have one just like the ones they sent me of {P}. The pictures were both side by side on the screen and again he smiled. He pointed at his picture and said, "That Joel!"

Me: "Yep, that's my boy!"

Him: {pointing to himself} "My daddy come to get me. I go home with my daddy!"

Me: "Yes, buddy. Your daddy came to get you and brought you home."

Him: {pointing to P's picture} "Daddy come get him, too?"

Me: "I don't know, buddy."

Joel: "I share my toys with him! Two light sabers! Him stay with me?"

You can imagine I'm just losing it. He gets it. Joel understands. He knows that his daddy came to get him. I'm clueless as to how much of the TRC he remembers. And I know that he doesn't even understand the word orphan. He has no idea of the road we walked to get to him. His road was harder, no doubt about that. All he knows is that his daddy came to get him. And he wanted to know if daddy was going to do the same for this little boy.

Tara and I have talked at length about daddies and their children. She told me about a book she read in seminary that goes counter to all of the mommy culture we are so immersed in. Basically, it contends that dads are the highest influence in a child's life. And more specifically, that the absence of a father is far more detrimental to a child than society believes or admits. We all know that kids drop out of high school, commit crimes and go to prison in greater numbers when they have no dad in their lives. And that daughters are more promiscuous and teen pregnancy is higher if their dad isn't around. But it's more than that. It's not just that the presence of a father helps some of these negative things from happening...it promotes so many positive things...more education, higher standards and morals, greater economic stability. God set the husband as the head. Spiritually as well as emotionally and practically. And I see it happen all the time with adoptions. Have you all ever noticed how the vast majority of these kids bond to the dad quickly, if not immediately? Many times, they reject the mom altogether at first. This was not the case for us. But it was crystal clear that Joel preferred Jase from the minute he walked into that room in Bangkok and it has remained the case to this day.

And you know something? It's right. I believe it. It's the way it should be. Joel loves me. He really, really loves me. But I'm on a separate plane than Jase is. He adores him. And it is evidenced by the fact that he equates his coming home with Jason.

Him: {pointing to himself} "My daddy come to get me. I go home with my daddy!"

So that's been really swirling through my head and heart as we consider {P}. Children need daddies. They need mamas, too. But they really, really need their daddies. And more than 160 million of them need their daddies to come get them.

Sunday, 3.6.11

I am already not dealing with all of this so well. Anybody surprised? Well, I know that my faith has grown since we began the process for Joel some three years ago. I know Jesus more than I did then. It's not that I don't believe God can do this again for us and for {P}. It's that I wonder if He will. It's the not knowing. Oh, I see my sin of needing to be in control. And it humbles me and shames me. Still, God is good.

I decided to email Tara today and spill my guts about yesterday and Joel at the computer and how he pointed to {P} and asked if Jase was going to get him. I sent her a terribly long email {which she typically despises for people to do! ha!} and purged everything I needed to get out. She responded just like a best friend would. Encouraging and real. I love getting her perspective on things. She shared how she believed it may be easier for Joel to see that good things come from our Heavenly Father as he gets older because he sees how so much good has come from Jase, his earthy dad. What a beautiful analogy. I hadn't even thought of it. But so true...I hope.

My friend, Ellie, is in Thailand right now after a gruesome 32 month wait. Beautiful Lily is with her family now and it's a good, good thing! I messaged Ellie to let her know about {P}. She will be visiting the TRC while they are there and I am hopeful she may get a sneaky peak at that sweet boy. Not holding my breath. But hopeful.

Tuesday, 3.8.11

So I slept with my Blackberry by my bed last night. Not that I'm freaking out or anything. lol. Really, I'm fine. I just thought if I happened to wake up in the middle of the night, and it was blinking, I'd take a gander at it. Well, I slept like a rock! And I woke up at 6:30, checked to see if I had heard from Ellie and hadn't. So I rolled over and went back to sleep! ha! You gotta love homeschool days! But then my boy came in and snuggle bugged with me and when he left, I decided I better get up and at 'em. I looked at my phone again...ah!

On Mar 8, 2011, at 6:54 AM, Elanna Moeller wrote:

Hi Kam!!! We saw little {P} today!!!! He is ABSOLUTELY ADORABLE!!!! He is a little peanut!!! Vo wouldn't let me photograph him or any of the children :( She said that she needs the agency's permission first :( What a BUMMER! There's another family who I was trying to get photos for, and she wouldn't let me. I could tell she felt badly. She was glad to hear that you are considering adopting him, and glad to hear how well Joel is doing.

Anyway, {P}... Vo says that he is doing great. She said, "We are only waiting on his speech"... Whatever that means, he is so young that it is perfectly understandable that he isn't speaking yet. He's only what, 15 months, I think she said. He is super cute! Laurel and I both held him. Didn't want to put him down. His room has many cribs, and they are all full. There are even cribs in the attached shower room, 3 of them. All full. It's so sad to see all those babies spending their day in a crib! Breaks my heart. At Chan's orphanage, they aren't in the cribs as much as at TRC. They are out, playing and interacting more. TRC is great, don't get me wrong, and the staff is so sweet. But, I hate that they are in those cribs so much. Ok, I digress... He is adorable! He will surely have a family soon. I wouldn't hesitate to snatch him up! That's my professional opinion ;)

Let me know if you have any Q's... don't feel like I have much info... no pics... just held the little guy, and he is precious. Wish I could just sneak him home for you right now.

I'll do my best to get some info from Nuanthip tomorrow for Tara.

Sending hugs from Thailand,

Ellie

Whew! I gave my phone to Jase to read...he smiled at me and said it was great to hear about him more. In a few seconds he was out the door and I ran up to reply to Ellie and tell her a million times how grateful we were that she did that for us. It wasn't long, until I had a second one...

On Mar 8, 2011, at 9:28 AM, Elanna Moeller wrote:

hi! yes, he is little :) He is probably in a size 12 months clothes... Lily is a 2T-ish, going into 3T. He is a LOT smaller than her. He just looked so little to me... He is adorable! Looked at me with those big eyes. He didn't cry at all for me. He didn't smile, either. Just was taking it all in :) He doesn't have a lot of hair yet. Maybe that helps him seem younger, too.

I mentioned that I would like to see him and take some photos for a family (we were checking on another little girl for another family, too) and I thought maybe if she knew it were you, she'd let us. She looked like she was considering it, but I could tell she just didn't feel right... knowing she isn't supposed to. She looked like she wished she could. She seemed excited to hear that you were considering him. She said, "Oh, they want to adopt him?" I tried to make sure she understood that you are CONSIDERING him" ... Sometimes difficult to know if you get the point across around here :) I think she would like that, though, if you end up pursuing it. I'm sure she would :)

Anyway, he's really a cutie! I'd take him in a heartbeat :)

thanks for your prayers! hoping i have good news for Tara soon!!!

xo

ellie

So this is the point where I forward it over to Jase and await his reply! Which came soon after with a big fat, "I love you and I'm looking forward to hearing what our agency has to say when they get back!" Yay for that. My man doesn't think I'm a total crazy lady! We don't know if {P} is our son. But we are seeking the Lord and resting in the fact that He will lead us. He will show us what to do and where to go and we will obey. Wow.

Well, this post is now a novella. Who knew I was so chatty? Headwind Part III soon.