Our sweet Seth would have been 2 years old today.
We would have very likely been traveling for him right now.
Or possibly would have just come home with him.
We are weeks away from leaving for China to bring Gabe into our family.
And we stopped all adoption related work for two months when Seth died.
So it is very realistic to think that we would have been with our baby today had the unthinkable not happened.
But it did.
And we aren't.
I had imagined this day being different. Celebrating his birthday with family and a fun cake and the thought of him blowing out candles made me smile.
That seems like a lifetime ago. So many months have passed since I had that daydream. So much has changed.
Still, I know that the Lord is good. And I'm resting in His goodness today.
My daydream has changed.
Now I see him well and whole and enjoying Heaven in the presence of Jesus. I imagine him laughing and running and not tired. Not blue or struggling for breath.
What a work the Lord has done. What grace He offers to those who mourn. Everyday I want Seth. Everyday I think of him and my heart hurts. My body still aches under this weight. That stupid lump comes to my throat and tears fill my eyes and I want to know why.
I may never know the full answer to my why questions.
But I do know in part.
Gabriel Seth continues to wait for us in Henan, China.
God made a way. He allowed us to walk a hard road riddled with doubts and anger and unanswered questions. But at the end of that road is our Gabe.
And in just a few weeks, God willing, we will hold our son. We will rejoice and be glad and graft him in where he belongs.
But today?
Today is hard.
Happy Birthday, precious baby boy.
You are still so loved by this mama.
You are not forgotten by those who took you into their hearts.
We know that you are perfect now.
That you wouldn't choose to come to us even if you could.
We know you are right where you need to be.
But we miss you so much.
Happy Birthday, precious baby boy.
We love you.
5 comments:
Thinking of you. Can so relate to this... Esther would have turned 3 on the 31st of this month. Already trying to prepare for how I will tackle that day.
Sending hugs to you!
oxoxo,
Stefanie
Great big hugs - i am so sorry.
Hi Kam! I guess it's time to quit being a lurker and introduce myself. I've been meaning to for some time now. A few months back I discovered your blog and fell in love with all you pictures. You are a fabulous photographer! Then after reading through your posts I realized your son passed away in China. I'm so sorry for your loss. I too, a couple months back, had a child pass away while I was in process of her adoption. I was/am devastated to say the least. We were only weeks away from traveling to pick her up when it happened. It's amazing how much you can love someone that you have never met. I think about her daily and find comfort knowing that she is now perfect and complete!
Fast forward to now and we are now weeks away from traveling to our new daughter. In fact... we received our LOA the same day you did! I'm guessing we should get our I800 approval this week?!
I have not yet announced our new daughter on our blog ( I'm bad about keeping up on it) but will soon. I just wanted to say "hi" and to tell you how sorry I am about Seth and ((hugs)) to you on this hard day.
Terri
Hugs friend! I remember the day I read your blog and had nothing to offer but a prayer and a virtual hug. Not much has changed on that front. You have such a beautiful family!
So blessed to have witnessed your journey, through the beauty and the hard. Praying for you always.
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